Too Many Words?

Snipping words from your work in progress might seem like a hopeless task, but it’s not impossible. This post, part three of a continuing series, will help.

Examine Character Movements

This includes action beats, body language, gestures, and other character movements.

Example #1

Can you spot the wasted words?

Hayden listened to the news broadcast and nodded his head in assent. He completely agreed. The guy was guilty.

Here’s how some editors would respond:

Hayden listened to the news broadcast and nodded his head in assent. He completely agreed. The guy was guilty.

nod: to quickly raise and lower one’s head, sometimes multiple times, to signify assent, approval, or acknowledgment

Also beware the following phrases:

• tilt/cock one’s head to the side
• shrug one’s shoulders

Example #2

With a frown on her face, Alexandra approached the door and jiggled the knob.

The editor’s response:

With a frown on her face, Alexandra approached the door and jiggled the knob.

Where else would a frown appear except on a person’s face?

More phrases to watch for:

• a grin/smile/smirk on one’s face
• a look/an expression on one’s face
• a grimace/pout/scowl/sneer on one’s face

Example #3

With his index finger, Troy pointed at the incorrect figures.

We’re giving our editor lots of exercise today:

With his index finger, Troy pointed at the incorrect figures.

Unless Troy is pointing with something other than his fingers, there’s no need to include redundant staging.

Example #4

Lyla curtsied as a gesture of respect and backed out of the room.

The edited version:

Lyla curtsied as a gesture of respect and backed out of the room.

curtsy: bend quickly at the knees, as a gesture of respect

Likewise with bow.

bow: bend the upper body, as a gesture of respect

Joel bowed in respect and said, “Welcome to my home.”

Example #5

Sheila blinked her eyes and then stared intently at the tiny man.

Editor’s response:

Sheila blinked her eyes and then stared intently at the tiny man.

blink: close and open the eyes quickly

stare: gaze intently with eyes wide open

Example #6

The warrior dropped his spear and crossed his arms across his chest.

Before we continue, cross your arms. Where are they positioned?

Editor’s revision:

The warrior dropped his spear and crossed his arms across his chest.

Example #7

No matter what Mom says, Jimmy thought to himself, I’m going, and that’s that.

Edited version:

No matter what Mom says, Jimmy thought to himself, I’m going, and that’s that.

Who else would Jimmy think to except himself? Unless he’s a telepathist, his thoughts would be his, and his alone.

Example #8

Vic whispered softly and urgently, “They’re coming. Take cover and don’t make any noise if you want to live through this.”

The –ly adverbs are a good place to start. What does the editor say?

Vic whispered softly and urgently, “They’re coming. Take cover and don’t make any noise if you want to live through this.”

whisper: speak very softly, using one’s breath instead of one’s voice

In this case, I would be tempted to use a single exclamation point to convey urgency:

Vic whispered, “They’re coming! Take cover and don’t make any noise if you want to live through this.”

Stephen King’s advice about dialogue attribution and adverbs: “I insist that you use the adverb in dialogue attribution only in the rarest and most special of occasions … and not even then, if you can avoid it.”

Example #9

She stole forward, walking on tiptoes, in the direction of the intruder.

Edited version:

She tiptoed toward the intruder.

Example #10

She hit him in the groin with one knee.

Edited version:

She kneed him in the groin.

Example #11

When she heard the news, she clenched her hands into fists.

Edited version:

When she heard the news, she clenched her hands into fists.

Example #12

His fingers closed around the orb, and he pulled it close to his body.

Edited version:

He pulled the orb close.

Tip: Examine phrases beginning with prepositions such as with, to, and in followed by a body part.

Don’t Restate the Obvious

The best way to explain this is to provide a few examples.

Example #1

Frank smiled and nodded. “You bet. No problem. I’ll gladly do it.”

Frank’s dialogue shows his cheerfulness and agreement. A shorter version that provides the same connotation:

“You bet.” Frank smiled. “I’ll gladly do it.”

Four fewer words.

Example #2

Aisha frowned. “I don’t intend to foll —”

“You better,” interrupted Brandon as he slammed his fist through the wall, “or you know what’ll happen next.”

The em dash indicates Aisha’s interrupted dialogue. Let’s try a shorter alternative:

Aisha frowned. “I don’t intend to foll —”

Brandon slammed his fist through the wall. “You better, or you know what’ll happen next.”

Readers will understand that Brandon’s action interrupts Aisha in mid-sentence. And the edited paragraph is more powerful, with six fewer words.

Example #3

Fred crossed his middle finger over his index finger.

This is closely related to the “Minimize Staging” section in the first of this series.

Edited version:

Fred crossed his fingers.

Five fewer words.

Example #4

Sharon abandoned her line of thought as unprofitable and began to worry about the agenda instead. She looked at her aide and said, “Let’s go to the meeting — but I’m worried about the agenda.”

This is such an obvious double-double that you probably noticed it right away. Or did you?

First fix:

Sharon abandoned her line of thought as unprofitable and began to worry about the agenda instead. She looked at her aide and said, “Let’s go to the meeting — but I’m worried about the agenda.”

Second fix:

Sharon abandoned her line of thought as unprofitable and began to worry about the agenda instead. She looked at her aide and said, “Let’s go to the meeting — but I’m worried about the agenda.”

Although either fix would work, the first one reveals a Sharon who doesn’t mind revealing her anxiety. The second Sharon keeps her thoughts private. Choose the version that suits your character.

Example #5

She had been courageous throughout the ghastly ordeal, but now she began to shake uncontrollably.

He placed a hand on her shoulder. “You’ve been courageous,” he said, “but don’t go to pieces when we’re so close. The worst is behind us.”

This is similar to Example #4.

First fix:

She had been courageous throughout the ghastly ordeal, but now she began to shake uncontrollably.

He placed a hand on her shoulder. “Don’t go to pieces when we’re so close. The worst is behind us.”

Second fix:

She had been courageous throughout the ghastly ordeal, but now she began to shake uncontrollably.

He placed a hand on her shoulder. “The worst is behind us.”

Third fix:

She began to shake uncontrollably.

He placed a hand on her shoulder. “You’ve been courageous, but don’t go to pieces when we’re so close. The worst is behind us.”

Each fix supplies a slightly different connotation.

I’ll discuss the use of begin, start, and commence in a future post.

Example #6

He cackled like a lunatic. “I told you she wouldn’t go along with it.

He had gone completely insane.

Edited version:

He cackled like a lunatic. “I told you she wouldn’t go along with it.”

He had gone completely insane.

If a character cackles like a lunatic, readers will assume a level of lunacy or insanity without needing a narrator’s parenthetical remark.

Tip: If you have to consult a thesaurus for words to replace similar phrasing in nearby sentences, you may be guilty of restating the obvious.

Master List of Word-Count Reduction Posts for Writers