This is the second in a series of posts that help writers slash words.

Hack. Hew. Slash.

Why would you want to become a slasher?

Maybe:

• you’re writing for a genre or audience that prefers shorter novels;
• you’re creating a story for a journal or contest with word-count restrictions;
• you have too many words for one novel but not enough for two, and your storyline can’t be expanded;
• printing costs will make your book too expensive for consumers;
• your editor has requested it.

Kill Your Darlings

You know what your darlings are, right? — those scenes you labor over for hours or days. The best way to illustrate how you might go astray is to provide an example.

The vociferation of the overbearing virago, Victor’s erstwhile wife, pervaded the room with a volley of vituperation. He cringed in servile fear, cold sweat beading his forehead, and retreated from her until he felt the wall behind his back.

“You insolent weasel!” she screeched as her eyes welled with tears. “How dare you? I’ll never be able to wear this again.”

The writer of this excerpt probably consulted a thesaurus and a dictionary, and may have read the words out loud multiple times. Maybe they sounded perfect: The narrative doesn’t contain any lengthy sentences or tongue-twisters. However, did you mull over the meaning of any words? Maybe you had to search for them in a dictionary. Did the alliteration irritate you?

Let’s consider a few definitions:

vociferation: loud outcry

virago: an overbearing, violent, or surly woman

erstwhile: former

pervade: fill, flood; saturate

vituperation: verbal abuse

cringe: to bend one’s head and body in fear or in a servile manner

Now let’s underline a few areas, keeping the definitions in mind. Then we’ll consider alternatives.

The vociferation of the overbearing virago, Victor’s erstwhile wife, pervaded the room with a volley of vituperation. He cringed in servile fear, cold sweat beading his forehead, and retreated from her until he felt the wall behind his back.

“You insolent weasel!” she screeched as her eyes welled with tears. “How dare you? I’ll never be able to wear this again.”

Alternatives

vociferation: cursing, screeching, shrieking, swearing, yelling

overbearing virago: hellcat, old bat, she-devil, surly cow, ugly hag

erstwhile wife: ex-wife, former spouse, former wife

pervade: fill, flood

volley of vituperation: deluge of verbal abuse, flood of insults

in servile fear: [redundant]

she screeched: [redundant — and rejected by many editors who prefer said]

Editing might produce an excerpt like this:

The screeching of his ex-wife flooded the room with insults. He cringed, cold sweat beading his forehead, and retreated from her until he felt the wall behind his back.

“You insolent weasel!” Her eyes welled with tears. “How dare you? I’ll never be able to wear this again.”

Note that flooded, a word usually associated with water, complements eyes welling with tears. There’s no need for a dialogue tag (she screeched) and an action beat (her eyes welled with tears) for the same portion of dialogue.

We could shorten this even more:

The screeching of his ex-wife flooded the room with insults. He cringed, cold sweat beading his forehead, and retreated from her until he felt the wall behind his back.

“You insolent weasel!” Her eyes welled with tears. “How dare you? I’ll never be able to wear this again.”

Deleting the indicated phrases results in the following:

The screeching of his ex-wife flooded the room with insults. He cringed, and retreated until he felt the wall behind his back.

“You insolent weasel!” Her eyes welled with tears. “How dare you? I’ll never be able to wear this again.”

The edited excerpt is twenty words shorter, and readers won’t puzzle over any of them.

Tip: The scenes you spend the most time massaging often require the most trimming.

Shorten Descriptions

This is the type of writing I sometimes see:

Nailah flounced into the parlor, wearing a sequined above-the-knee scarlet dress slit up the right side to just below her waist. If any man could tear his eyes away from the seductive slit, he might notice her matching stiletto heels. Curly strawberry-blond hair draped over bare shoulders, lending a modicum of modesty to the plunging neckline. The ring finger on her left hand sported a sparkling diamond that rivaled the size of the ruby in her bellybutton, which peaked through a see-through triangular insert extending from the neckline of the dress into a narrow filigree gold belt that accentuated her hourglass figure. And that smile! Those shiny white teeth almost blinded me with their brilliance. Her sensuous voice was a cross between a purr and a meow, riveting the attention of every red-blooded male in the room.

How did the excerpt affect you? Did you take the time to read all the details?

What does the writer want to say? Let’s interpret: Nailah is sexy — possibly even salacious.

Is the size of her ring important? What about the teeth? If they contribute to the plot, they should be included. Otherwise, hack and slash, dear writer.

Let’s assume the ring and teeth play a significant role in this story, and we’ll attempt a rewrite, remembering there’s no need to mention that a person’s ring finger is on the left hand.

Nailah flounced into the parlor, dressed as usual in a too-tight, too-short, low-cut scarlet dress. Her strawberry-blond curls glimmered, but not as much as the humongous diamond on her ring finger or her shiny white teeth. Every man in the room, including me, gulped.

If readers haven’t been introduced to Nailah’s voice yet, it could be described the first time she speaks.

Note the spelling of blond. Many writers choose blonde when referring to a female and blond when referring to a male. Modern writers often select the genderless version, blond.

Stephen King’s advice: “Thin description leaves the reader feeling bewildered and nearsighted. Overdescription buries him or her in details and images.”

Tip: Know your market. Sometimes elaborate descriptions appeal to readers.

How Do You Waste Words?

Knowing how helps you determine where and why. That simplifies the stalk-and-slash process.

Master List of Word-Count Reduction Posts for Writers

Are You Interested in Word Lists and Writing Tips?

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