This is a reprint of my story in Fine Linen.

Why would aliens want to colonize Earth? The answer might surprise you.

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Location: The Terran star system is in a relatively stable sector of the Milky Way Galaxy. However, we must prevent collision with Asteroid Antarrixia IV in 217 years. Note to self: Ask Council to augment Earth’s space-junk defense network.

Atmosphere: Copious quantities of nitrogen and oxygen, with minimal helium. Thank Zoroxxna. I detest squeaking like a Yiidorian insect when I talk. Unfortunately, the master races here are contaminating their air. Note to self: Ask Council to control the planet’s leaders and enforce their feeble attempts to reduce pollution. This will ensure optimal health of inhabitants. And speaking of health, I must recommend enforcement of free medical care on all continents, as well as construction of full-body scanners in every population center.

Temperature: Close to perfect, with moderate weather conditions. Nothing like Zorania with its planet-wide snowstorms and sub-zero temperatures — makes my repro-glands shrink. Ha ha. Note to self: Recommend that Council actively enforce measures to maintain carbon emissions at manageable levels.

Water: Oceans of water. Ha ha. Earthlings must learn to safeguard their H₂O. Note to self: Ask Council to implement effective conservation strategies similar to what we did on Betelexx IV. Provide enforcement squads to eliminate violators. Add neololmax to water supply to accelerate birthrates and prevent the aggression that leads to war. Monitor human livers to ensure that we do not overmedicate.

Scenery: None of the disgusting yellows and oranges and reds of Kerfzonian radiation fields or the blinding crystalline structures of Zar IV. High mountains, deep oceans, vast plains. I will enjoy my sojourn here, along with my generous quota of Terran females. Note to self: Ask Council to compel a reduction in human construction projects on planet. Recommend further that they increase agricultural reserves to feed Earth’s rapidly growing population.

Creature Comforts: Sadly, our attempts to produce coffee and chocolate substitutes have been unsuccessful. Something unique to this planet is likely responsible for the distinctive flavor of these vices, of which I have become quite fond. Note to self: Recommend that we increase allocation of farmlands devoted to coffea canephora and Theobroma cacao. Disallow consumption of alcoholic beverages. Alcohol taints human livers.

Wildlife: The planet hosts a staggering variety of species. Large animals. Small ones. Flying, creeping, swimming, and walking animals. Note to self: Ask Council to exterminate all fauna we cannot use as human fodder.

Diversity: A colorful mélange of races: Red, brown, yellow, white, and several shades in between. Note to self: Encourage selective breeding. Population must remain robust. Also recommend an increase in the production of marijuana. It keeps the Terran population mellow and compliant. Meanwhile, my unit and I will do our part to cull the herd and keep it strong. Human livers are delicious.