Why We’re Here

This series of articles discusses hurdles that cause reader confusion.

Confusion = gripes = lost readers.

Here’s article #12. Do you see the problem? How would you fix it?

Introduction to Excerpt

The following paragraphs represent phrasing I’ve encountered in multiple books.

Excerpt

Filipe inched through the underbrush around his girlfriend’s cabin in the woods, trying not to make a sound. Without warning, he grazed his hand on a sharp branch. “Ouch!”

At that precise moment, he heard a grunt. Hardly unexpected. Julie’s latest fling was probably in bed with her right now.

But no … the noise was outside the cabin. A wild animal?

Then, a lip-smacking sound came from somewhere behind him. Filipe froze and in the blink of an eye spun toward the sound. At that point, just as he was about to bolt away, a series of yelps shrilled above him. Immediately after that, something small and hard hit his head. He ducked, and straightaway another projectile landed near his feet.

Next thing he knew, rustling came from all directions. Suddenly he was staring into the eyes of several raccoon-like creatures. Lemurs! What the —

All at once the animals disappeared. Next, the forest became silent.

Too silent.

Here’s the Problem

Several words and phrases impede the narrative:

• without warning
• at that precise moment
• right now
• then
• in the blink of an eye
• at that point
• immediately after that
• straightaway
• next thing he knew
• suddenly
• all at once
• next

Let’s Review the Excerpt Again

Filipe inched through the underbrush around his girlfriend’s cabin in the woods, trying not to make a sound. Without warning, he grazed his hand on a sharp branch. “Ouch!”

At that precise moment, he heard a grunt. Hardly unexpected. Julie’s latest fling was probably in bed with her right now.

But no … the noise was outside the cabin. A wild animal?

Then, a lip-smacking sound came from somewhere behind him. Filipe froze and in the blink of an eye spun toward the sound. At that point, just as he was about to bolt away, a series of yelps shrilled above him. Immediately after that, something small and hard hit his head. He ducked, and straightaway another projectile landed near his feet.

Next thing he knew, rustling came from all directions. Suddenly he was staring into the eyes of several raccoon-like creatures. Lemurs! What the —

All at once the animals disappeared. Next, the forest became silent.

Too silent.

Here’s One Solution

Filipe inched through the underbrush around his girlfriend’s cabin in the woods, trying not to make a sound. He grazed his hand on a sharp branch. “Ouch!”

He heard a grunt. Hardly unexpected. Julie’s latest fling was probably in bed with her.

But no … the noise was outside the cabin. A wild animal?

A lip-smacking sound came from somewhere behind him. Filipe froze and spun toward it. Just as he was about to bolt away, a series of yelps shrilled above him. Something small and hard hit his head. He ducked, and another projectile landed near his feet.

Rustling came from all directions, and he found himself staring into the eyes of several raccoon-like creatures. Lemurs! What the —

The animals disappeared. The forest became silent.

Too silent.

Further Edits Could Tighten the Scene Even More

Do we need to mention that Filipe grazed his hand? Unless it adds to the suspense, maybe it should go. Or the hand incident could be expanded. Maybe Filipe’s heart beats wildly because he’s terrified that Julie and her lover heard him. Resultant bleeding could be significant if he has hemophilia, if he thinks he’s being tracked by wolves, or if the excerpt is part of a vampire novel.

Takeaway

While you edit, examine words and phrases like these:

• abruptly
• after that
• afterward
• all at once
• all of a sudden
• at once
• at that juncture
• at that point
• at that precise moment
• at this moment
• at this time
• directly thereafter
• forthwith
• immediately after that
• immediately thereafter
• in the blink of an eye
• instantly
• next
• next thing he knew
• on the double
• on the spur of the moment
• out of the blue
• right away
• right now
• straight off
• straightaway
• subsequently
• suddenly
• then
• unexpectedly
• without beating around the bush
• without delay
• without forethought
• without further ado
• without further discussion
• without hesitation
• without pause
• without thinking about it
• without warning

P.S.

Has this article kindled your creativity? Lemurs in Madagascar wouldn’t be an unusual sight. However, if the story takes place elsewhere, possibilities for subplots emerge. Was there an explosion at the zoo? Is someone raising lemurs illegally? Is Filipe where he thinks he is, or has he been transported elsewhere? Are the animals lemurs or … alien wildlife? robots? apparitions?