Editors: Important to the Writing Community
This series of articles discusses writing habits that upset editors.
Here’s article #7. Do you recognize the problem?
Introduction to Excerpts
Today’s post presents two excerpts that illustrate contrasting sides of a popular writing convention. You won’t find these paragraphs in a book or online, but they’re representative of what I often notice as I’m reading or editing.
Scenario: A writer copies and pastes his first page into an email that he sends to an editor for a free critique.
Excerpt #1
Braxton, a middle-aged accountant with overlarge glasses, scraggly brown hair, and an overgrown mustache, tightly gripped the steering wheel of his 1994 309 GTI Goodwood Miami-blue Peugeot and turned sharply to the left in order to avoid the dented 2015 two-door ingot-silver Ford Mustang Fastback GT in front of him. The Mustang had been wandering all over the road for the last seventeen miles, left … right … left … right … speeding up … slowing down … speeding up again.
What’s the matter with people nowadays? Nobody shows any respect on the road, and the young kids are the worst. Kids: the absolute, without a doubt, out-and-out worst drivers. Is this guy drunk? A kid? stoned? A drunk and stoned kid?
Braxton banged one fist on the steering wheel. Heat rushed to his forehead, arms, and legs; the hairs on the back of his neck prickled, and his heart beat so fast he thought it would leap out of his chest. He cursed under his breath as he hit the brakes. That only sent him into a spin … around … around … around … a spin that finally took him over the narrow gravel shoulder on the left side of the road and into a water-filled ditch humming with mosquitoes.
Here’s the Problem
This writer has made a good effort to obey the show, don’t tell rule.
However, his editor returns his first page, unrevised, with the following note:
See the show versus tell links at the bottom of this email and the link to an article about excessive description.
You provide far too much show and a glut of unnecessary particulars. Braxton wouldn’t know or care about the minutiae of both vehicles unless he were a car enthusiast. In our previous discussions, we established that he isn’t.
This is an action scene. Speed it up by replacing some of the show with tell. Review the repetitions and extraneous descriptions. Then I’ll take another look.
The writer modifies the page to produce the following; he sends it back to his editor.
The Writer’s Lexicon series
and additional resources on my Facebook page.
Excerpt #2
Braxton gripped the steering wheel of his car and turned to the left in order to avoid the dented Mustang in front of him. The car had been wandering all over the road for the last seventeen miles.
Braxton was furious. He cursed under his breath and hit the brakes. That only sent him into a spin that took him over the shoulder and into a ditch.
The Editor Responds
Good effort. You understood my concerns. But now you’ve taken this in the opposite direction, and it has lost its character. See my suggested rework below, noting the strong verbs.
If you compromise by including some tell during action scenes and reserving show, in well-metered portions, for other areas, your novel will benefit. Then I’ll be able to edit without leaving a confusing jumble of colors and comments on every page. That’ll save time for both of us.
Let’s Review the Editor’s Suggested Rework
Braxton, a scruffy, middle-aged accountant clenched the steering wheel of his car and veered to the left in order to avoid the dented Ford Mustang in front of him. The car had been swerving all over the road and varying its speed for miles.
What’s the matter with people nowadays? Nobody shows any respect on the road.
Braxton hammered one fist on the steering wheel, huffing and cursing as he hit the brakes. That forced his car into a spiraling skid that launched him over the narrow gravel shoulder and into a water-filled ditch humming with mosquitoes.
Her Comments
I suggest you restore the mention of Braxton’s occupation. We expect accountants to be milquetoasts, but he doesn’t fit the stereotype. This is an excellent anomaly to exploit as the novel progresses.
It’s unlikely he would know the exact number of miles he has been following the Mustang.
The internal monologue shows Braxton’s frustration, which is good. Note that I slashed a few lines of it though. A narrator’s thoughts distract readers, especially in the middle of an action scene.
The reference to mosquitoes works. I suggest you keep it. Once Braxton lands in the ditch, the action slows. Readers can take a moment to absorb his new surroundings before you explain how he extricates himself from the situation.
Note the strong verbs. Strong verbs = show shortcuts; i.e., they show without increasing word count.
clench: to close fingers or hand into a tight ball, especially when feeling infuriated
veer: to abruptly change direction
swerve: to turn sharply
hammer: to strike violently on something
huff: to react indignantly
force: to compel somebody to do something against their will
launch: to hurl forcefully
Takeaway
Show is an excellent way to engross readers. However, too much results in boredom, sometimes causing people to skip paragraphs or entire pages. They want engagement, not unending adjectives, descriptions, and explanations.
During fast-paced scenes, opt for tell, and counterpoint with show when the situation warrants it.
P.S.
Read your story out loud before submitting to your editor. It’ll help identify many missteps and tongue twisters. If your editor charges by the hour, it’ll save you money as well.
The Writer’s Lexicon series
and additional resources on my Facebook page.
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From editor’s change “Braxton gripped the steering wheel of his car…” is horrible. What other kind of steering wheel would he be gripping if not a car/truck… a boat?
Ah, but it’s important to establish that he’s driving a car and not a semi, a motor home, a bus, a snowplow, a sanding truck, or another type of vehicle. 🙂
Nice to see you over here, Marc.
I love the examples! They illustrate your point beautifully. I know I’m guilty of this sometimes, and as I work on edits to my latest novel this morning, this reminder is very timely. Thank you!
I’m so glad you find this helpful, Amy. Thanks for stopping by!
I love descriptions but not if it slows the story down. This has been a hard lesson for me to learn. I keep working on it. I love these posts, Kathy. Thank you.
Thanks, Colleen. As Debby said, it’s a fine line. Nice to hear from you again!
There’s a fine line between show all and ‘less is more’. 🙂
Excellent point, Debby, and it usually takes experience to realize:
1. Where the line is
2. When to cross it
Many thanks for your Editor Gripe #7. It’s certainly made this novice think more about using stronger verbs. I’m writing a YA set in Uganda from a 1st person pov. It’s difficult to convey the very different landscape and culture without the main character spouting about it so making it sound unatural or the authorial voice coming in. Any tips in your posts about 1st person writing would be of great help and interest.
Thanks for stopping by, Jenny.
As writers we often feel that we have to mention every leaf and raindrop. In doing so, we discount the imagination of readers. Sometimes they only require hints.
Here’s a post about ways to avoid repetition of I in first-person narrative: https://kathysteinemann.com/Musings/i-i-i/
Strong verbs are an excellent start. Ditto for strong adjectives. Avoid very, and you’re partway there: https://kathysteinemann.com/Musings/how-to-avoid-very-in-writing/
Dialogue is a potent tool. “You plan to climb that tree? Pfft. You’re just a teensy thing and that Eucalyptus is humongous.”
It always helps to put your WIP away for days (preferably weeks) between major edits.
Good luck with your writing!
Genre: Action/adventure. I must admit that as an engineer, I do tend to provide too much description and have to check myself accordingly. I am also a car enthusiast, and few people know or care what a McLaren 720s is. However, it is sometimes necessary to identify the make, not necessarily the model, of a car for reference later in a scene. Rather than saying, “…a car blocked his way…”, then later “…he swerved around the car that was blocking his way earlier…”, it is better to identify the car in the first place. “A Hyundai blocked his way…”, then you can simply say”…he swerved around the Hyundai.”
Excellent advice, Chris!
Sci-fi authors often include too many details. Ditto for historical fiction writers. They want to support their writing with facts, but readers want engagement.
Thank you, Kathy. I think getting the balance right is so important. It is hammered in to us to ‘Show not tell’ and yet I’ve read several books where the writer has done the opposite. Sometimes it works and sometimes not. The same with excessive and sometimes extraneous descriptions. I think being constantly aware is the best option. After all, who said that writing well is easy?!
Oh, didn’t you know? Anyone can write a book and make a million. [wink]
Balance — You’re right. That’s the key.
Thanks, Joy!