You’ve Probably Heard the Pronouncements of Writing Gurus Hundreds of Times
“Use active voice.”
“Don’t use adverbs.”
“Avoid repetition.”
“Get rid of run-on sentences.”
“Eliminate jargon and abbreviations.”
However, dialogue should sound real. It should motivate readers to finish “just one more chapter.” After another. And another.
Which of the Following Seems Most Appropriate?
Dr. Williams peered at Ms. Branch. “Whadaya think I’m doin’? Scratchin’ my butt? I’m workin’ absolutely as fast as I can, you doorknob.”
With his clipped words, impolite language, and adverbs, this character speaks more like a stereotypical construction worker than a doctor.
Dr. Williams peered at Ms. Branch. “What do you think I’m doing, ma’am? Procrastinating? I’m working as quickly as I can, I assure you.”
This Dr. Williams sounds like a doctor. He’s polite. He practices correct grammar. However, he isn’t averse to the occasional adverb.
Dr. Williams peered at Ms. Branch. “What do you think I’m doing? I … I … um … twiddling my thumbs? I’ve been … uh … working on this for twenty-six hours straight.”
This exhausted doctor seems annoyed, but his words are too realistic. Readers dislike clumsy pauses in speech. A better version would be:
Dr. Williams peered at Ms. Branch. “What do you think I’m doing? Twiddling my thumbs? I’ve been working on this for twenty-six hours straight.”
Dr. Williams hasn’t slept in over a day. Without being inundated by ums and ellipses, we can understand his annoyance.
Can You Guess the Approximate Age of the Following Speaker?
Matt ran toward Jessica. “Everyone was there, and we had an excellent time. Jack even put in an appearance after his Taekwondo class. You should come next time.”
Matt is running, so he’s unlikely to be a senior citizen. However, nothing in the dialogue gives us a distinct maturity clue, although the language is too adult for most teenagers.
Matt ran toward Jessica. “Everyone was there and we had an awesome time and Jack even showed up after his Taekwondo class. You should come next time, Mom.”
A run-on sentence, simpler words, and the addition of Mom reveal that this is a young person — in the same number of words as the first snippet.
Matt scampered toward Jessica. “All the kids were there an’ we had an awesome time an’ Jack even came after Taekwondo an’ can you come next time, Mummy?”
Same number of words, but scampered, mispronounced ands, a mention of all the kids, and Mummy distinguish this as an even younger child.
Can You Identify the Protagonists in These Examples?
“I prescribed them p.r.n., and she said she took them for two days. They should have palliated her symptoms by now.”
This example breaks the rule about eliminating jargon and abbreviations. However, as long as the writer has provided context, readers will understand that the speaker is a doctor, and they will expect medical terminology.
“C’mon, you can do it. Just one more crunch. One more. One more. One more. Good. Now take a breather and we’ll tackle one more set of fifty reps.”
This fitness trainer repeats one more five times: a classic no-no, but it works in dialogue.
“All right, class. Now that the dry ingredients have been sifted, carefully stir in the milk. Carefully. Good. Now pour the batter into the pans. Quickly. The bell will ring any minute.”
This home economics teacher uses passive voice and adverbs, but she sounds like a real person.
“I mowed the lawn and trimmed the hedge and watered the garden real good. It was real, real dry. When I come back tomorrow, I’ll weed and mulch the flowerbeds. They really need some TLC.”
A landscaper repeats his favorite adverb several times and rattles off one run-on sentence. His repetition of real and really could be a quirk that sets him apart from other characters.
What’s Wrong With This?
“As you know, Miss Fitch, Mr. Abernathy is away at the teachers’ conference in Atlanta and is not available by telephone between 9 a.m. and 6 p.m. except for extreme emergencies. Your situation hardly qualifies as urgent. Abernathy won’t return until March 30. You must wait until then to tender your resignation.”
The opening words, as you know, provide a clue. Miss Fitch is already aware of the information being relayed by the speaker, and readers should be too.
Have you ever watched a television drama where the characters discuss a situation? Do you zone out after a few seconds and forget the details? Readers will do the same for infodumps disguised as conversation. Include backstory elsewhere: just enough for readers to understand the narrative without drowning in minutiae.
The Writer’s Lexicon series
and additional resources on my Facebook page.
Characters Should Portray More Than Mirror Images
Dialogue functions best when speakers exhibit idiosyncrasies.
Without quirks and “rule-breaking,” characters function like cardboard figures cut from the same pattern.
Consider the following:
“I don’t know, old chap,” said Mr. Dixon. “Five teaspoons of sugar in a cup of tea are a bit excessive, don’t you think?”
“Not at all,” replied Mr. Flaherty. “I always consume five teaspoons of sugar in my tea.”
“Well, I am surprised that you haven’t developed sugar diabetes after all these years.”
“I? Not I, old chap. I exercise regularly and consume an excellent diet with abundant quantities of fiber and nutrients.”
“You must spend a small fortune on sugar, sir.”
“Not at all. As owner of Flaherty Sugar-Works, I receive as much sugar as I wish, free of charge.”
Although you probably followed the thread and deciphered the speakers, it would have been easier if one or both men had speech quirks. For instance:
“I don’t know, old chap,” said Mr. Dixon. “Five teaspoons of sugar in a cup of tea are a bit excessive, don’t you think?”
“Crapola,” replied Mr. Flaherty. “I always take five teaspoons.”
“Well, I am surprised that you haven’t developed sugar diabetes after all these years.”
“Me? Ha. I get lotsa exercise. I eat good.”
“You must spend a small fortune on sugar, sir.”
“Nope. I own Flaherty Sugar-Works. All my sugar’s free.”
The edited version leaves Mr. Dixon as is but presents a Mr. Flaherty who clips sentences and spouts informal words. Readers will have no problem understanding who says what.
Bend the Rules
As long as readers understand the narrative, dialogue should defy or bend writing rules. Most of us don’t speak like grammar pundits. Fiction should embrace that truth and create memorable characters with speech imperfections.
Except …
… when those memorable characters speak in dialect: inadvisable unless artfully applied.
Scan the following excerpt from Uncle Tom’s Cabin by Harriet Beecher Stowe.
“Marcies!” said Aunt Chloe; “don’t see no marcy in ’t! ’tan’t right! tan’t right it should be so! Mas’r never ought ter left it so that ye could be took for his debts. Ye’ve arnt him all he gets for ye, twice over. He owed ye yer freedom, and ought ter gin ’t to yer years ago. Mebbe he can’t help himself now, but I feel it’s wrong. Nothing can’t beat that ar out o’ me. Sich a faithful crittur as ye’ve been, — and allers sot his business ’fore yer own every way, — and reckoned on him more than yer own wife and chil’en! Them as sells heart’s love and heart’s blood, to get out thar scrapes, de Lord’ll be up to ’em!”
Did you find Aunt Chloe difficult to comprehend? So will readers.
J.K. Rowling’s character Hagrid in the Harry Potter books spouts dialogue like:
“It’s them as should be sorry! I knew yeh weren’t gettin’ yer letters but I never thought yeh wouldn’t even know abou’ Hogwarts, fer cryin’ out loud! Did yeh never wonder where yer parents learnt it all?”
Yes, it’s dialect, but cleverly created so that readers don’t falter multiple times per paragraph. When Harry overhears someone who talks this way, readers recognize the speaker at once.
Try It Yourself
Edit the following examples to indicate age and occupation. As you revise, add details that identify the speakers.
Exercise 1
Aldred nuzzled Ina’s neck. “I desire you. Now.”
His hot breath shot flames of desire into every cell of her body. She moaned. “But I cannot. I am betrothed to another.”
“For three years you have bedeviled me with your charm and wit. Why must you succumb to your father’s wishes?” He pushed her out to arm’s length.
She bit her lip. “He says my destiny is more important than anyone or anything in the entire universe.”
“Destiny? Utter nonsense! What must I do to win your affections? Slay a dragon? Fly to the moon?” His eyes drooped, an echo of his slumped shoulders. “I adore you, Ina, more than life, more than jewels or prestige.”
“Oh …” She sobbed. “I know you do, but the Fates have determined my destiny, and I cannot challenge their will.”
Suggested solution
Aldred nuzzled Ina’s neck. “I want you. Now. Let’s just elope.”
His hot breath shot flames of desire into every cell of her body. She moaned. “But I cannot. I am betrothed to another, and I must marry him as soon as I come of age.”
“For three years you’ve toyed with me, made my blood boil. Why must you heed your father? He’s just a king, just a mortal, just like me.” He pushed her out to arm’s length.
She bit her lip. “He says my destiny is more important than anyone or anything in the entire universe. And he says it is inappropriate for me to wed a man of low social standing.”
“Destiny? Fie! Just what do I have to do to win you over? Kill a dragon, fly to the moon?” His eyes drooped, an echo of his slumped shoulders. “I love you, Ina, more than life, more than anything.”
“Oh …” She sobbed. “I know you do, but the Fates have determined my destiny, and I cannot challenge their will.”
Notes: In the initial example, both speakers exhibit perfect grammar and similar speech patterns. In the suggested solution, Ina’s dialogue without contractions reflects a woman of breeding from a bygone era. Her suitor, who likes contractions, comma splices, and just, is in a lower social echelon. Although specific ages aren’t provided, we can intuit that Aldred and Ina are probably in their late teens or early twenties.
Exercise 2
“This is the first time I’ve ever attempted speed dating.” Heat spread from Rhonda’s chest into the tips of her ears. Darn. Why must I always blush when I’m nervous? “What made you try it?”
Joel raised his eyebrows. “The truth is, I saw your photo and couldn’t resist. You look a lot like someone I knew.”
“Oh. Is that good or bad?”
“Both.”
Rhonda waited for a moment, but he didn’t clarify. “That’s rather vague, don’t you think?”
“Well,” Joel replied, “she was beautiful, like you, but not very smart.”
“Was?”
“Yes, she died.”
Suggested solution 1
“This is the first time I’ve ever attempted speed dating.” Heat spread from Rhonda’s chest into the tips of her ears. Darn. Why must I always blush when I’m nervous? It makes my liver spots look like gargantuan warts. “What made you try it?”
Joel raised his bushy grey eyebrows. “Well, I spied yer picture and couldn’t resist ’cause yeh look lots like a gal I knew.”
“Oh. Is that good or bad?”
“Both.”
Rhonda waited for a moment, but he didn’t clarify. “That’s rather vague, don’t you think?”
“Well,” Joel replied, “she was a fine lookin’ gal like you but not very bright if yeh know what I mean, a nurse in my old folks’ home.”
“Was?”
“Yeah, she died.”
Notes: Internal monologue counts as dialogue. Rhonda reveals her longevity by thinking about her liver spots. Joel lives in a retirement home. We can surmise that Rhonda probably does too. So, we have two elderly adults involved in a speed-dating encounter. Joel’s distinctive speech patterns, including run-on sentences, differentiate him from Rhonda.
Suggested solution 2
“First time I ever tried speed dating.” Heat spread from Rhonda’s chest into the tips of her ears. Darn. Why do I always go red when I’m nervous? It makes my zits look like volcanoes. “What made you try it?”
Joel raised his eyebrows. “I spotted your photo on a poster in science class and couldn’t not try, I guess. You look a lot like someone I knew.”
“Oh. Is that good or bad?”
“Both, I guess.”
Rhonda waited for a moment, but he didn’t clarify. “Huh?”
“Well,” Joel replied, “she was beautiful … like you, but dumb as a stump.”
“Was?”
“Yeah, she moved to a house a few blocks from the college and ditched me for a freshman over there. I guess she likes dudes with their own wheels.”
Notes: Once again, Rhonda’s internal monologue reveals a clue about her age. The dialogue of both speakers is appropriate for teenagers in a high-school setting. Joel’s nervous speech tic, I guess, distinguishes him from Rhonda.
Hmm. Why would a high school promote speed dating?
See also The Master List of So-called “Rules” for Writers.
The Writer’s Lexicon series
and additional resources on my Facebook page.
Discover more from KathySteinemann.com: Free Resources for Writers
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.
While you make some good points, I have to disagree with your point that you should not use pauses in speech. Like anything, they should not be overused, but in your example, the pauses work by just reducing it one. You deliberately overused the ellipsis which have a perfectly good function. It helps show if they are being hesitant or unsure of what to say. It is also important that the ‘quirks’ be from the same period. Modern dialect in one character’s speech while you use Dickensian dialect for another in the same scene does not work well. Just because a character is uneducated does not mean that a Dickensian uneducated character would speak like a ghetto thug, so it is something to watch for.
I’m not sure which snippet you’re talking about, JR, when you refer to pauses in speech. Ellipses denote pauses, and the snippet I’m looking at goes from five ellipses to none. Yes, ellipses work well when used sparingly — which is the point. Some writers overdo them.
Where did you see Dickensian dialect? If you’re referring to the Flaherty Sugar-Works segment, “crapola” didn’t come into use until 1979, and “lotsa” not until after Dickens died. The point of that segment is to show differences in dialogue between two speakers. Dixon is a “proper gentleman” while Flaherty is a hard-working industrialist who doesn’t care about impressing Dixon. Flaherty could have displayed other quirks besides those given.
Timely post for me. I was worried that many of my characters sounded as if they were on the same level. Which they aren’t. So I went through and added individual quirks to the dialogue to distinguish one from the other, and, as you pointed out, their positions in society. And, oh yes, dialect overdone becomes difficult to decipher. I’ve given up on more than one book for that reason.
Thanks, Cat! Those quirks make a huge difference, don’t they?
I mentioned how cleverly J. K. Rowling adds dialect to Hagrid. It’s thicker in the third Harry Potter novel, but still readable. I hope he’s still readable (and alive) when I get to the seventh book.
Very helpful. Thank you.
Thanks, Vivienne!