Dialogue

When you’re trying to slash words in a WIP, dialogue calls for careful attention. With effort, you can often reduce the size of characters’ conversations by more than 50%.

Scrutinize Every Snippet of Dialogue

Consider the following example.

Original:

Sarah rolled over in bed and shook Ron’s shoulder. “Hey,” she said, “you awake?”

“Yeah, I am now. Why did you wake me up? I don’t have to be at work until 9.”

She raised an eyebrow. “Did you have a good sleep?”

“Not bad. How about you?”

“Ok, I guess. I don’t much like these long summer days. It stays light too late,” she answered. “Can you walk Jenn’s dog tonight?”

“I don’t know, Sarah. Sorry, I just don’t know. I … uh … don’t really have time to do that. Really, Sarah … You know how much I got on my plate today. I gotta pick up William from school at 3:30, take him to soccer practice at 4:00, make supper for everyone at 6:00 … When d’you figure I’m gonna get a few minutes to walk that mangy, flea-bitten, horrible, stinky mutt you said you’d dogsit for?” Ron said angrily.

Tears filled Sarah’s eyes, and she said sadly, “But, Ron, honey, you told me you would. Remember? You told me. When Jenn said she was going to Hawaii and then Europe for two months, you promised you’d help me look after the dog. You promised.”

“Sarah, Sarah, Sarah. I said I’d try to help,” Ron answered with a shrug, “but you gotta give me more notice.”

Editor’s Initial Suggestions:

Let’s consider how an editor might revise this, and then mull over the reasons for the revisions.

Sarah rolled over in bed and shook Ron’s shoulder. “Hey,” she said, “you awake?”

“Yeah, I am now. Why did you wake me up? I don’t have to be at work until 9.”

She raised an eyebrow. “Did you have a good sleep?”

“Not bad. How about you?”

“Ok, I guess. I don’t much like these long summer days. It stays light too late,” she answered. “Can you walk Jenn’s dog tonight?”

“I don’t know, Sarah. Sorry, I just don’t know. I … uh … don’t really have time. to do that. Really, Sarah … You know how much I got on my plate today. I gotta pick up William from school at 3:30, take him to soccer practice at 4:00, make supper for everyone at 6:00 … When d’you figure I’m gonna get a few minutes to walk that mangy, flea-bitten, horrible, stinky mutt you said you’d dogsit for?” Ron said angrily glowered.

Tears filled Sarah’s eyes. , and she said sadly, “But, Ron, honey, you told me you would. Remember? You told me. When Jenn said she was going to Hawaii and then Europe away for two months, you promised you’d help me look after the dog. You promised.”

“Ron shrugged. Sarah, Sarah, Sarah. I said I’d try to help,” Ron answered with a shrug, “but you gotta give me more notice.”

Did you understand the motives behind the edits? Let’s examine them.

#1: The pleasantries of daily life don’t belong in written dialogue.

People ask about the weather and parrot phrases such as How are you? However, readers don’t want small talk. Get to the gist of the conversation — quickly — or you’ll bore them.

#2: The name of the person to whom we’re speaking doesn’t usually belong in written dialogue either.

How often do you say the name of your spouse, friends, or coworkers when you’re talking to them?

#3: Likewise with interjections.

Words such as uh, um, er, so, etc., although realistic, bog down written dialogue. So do ellipses.

#4: Dialogue is no place to incorporate backstory or known facts.

Details already familiar to readers shouldn’t be repeated in dialogue. And character conversations shouldn’t be leveraged as a way to introduce backstory. The insertion of Ron’s schedule and Jenn’s itinerary comes across as lazy — and unnecessary — inclusion of exposition.

#5: Stacked adjectives annoy readers and bloat writing.

Sometimes real people blather multiple adjectives when talking (mangy, flea-bitten, horrible, stinky) but a single word such as mangy portrays Ron’s attitude toward the dog.

mangy: in poor condition; synonyms: dirty, filthy, moth-eaten, scruffy, tatty, unkempt

#6: Said + adverb combos are no-nos.

Although many editors recommend the use of nothing but said for dialogue tags, the same editors frown on tags such as said angrily and said sadly.

#7: Dialogue tag + action beat combos also irritate editors.

Revising a dialogue tag + action beat combo to one or the other usually reduces words. (Tears filled Sarah’s eyes, and she said sadly) (Ron answered with a shrug shrugged)

#8: Adverbs of degree are usually fluff.

Modifiers such as extremely, quite, rather, really, somewhat, too, very, etc., slow the pace and generally don’t increase reader comprehension or add to a plot. Likewise for repetition of phrases such as I don’t know and You told me.

Revised Version:

Sarah rolled over in bed and shook Ron’s shoulder. “Hey,” she said, “you awake?”

“Yeah, I am now. Why did you wake me up? I don’t have to be at work until 9.”

“Can you walk Jenn’s dog tonight?”

“I don’t have time. You know how much I got on my plate today. When d’you figure I’m gonna get a few minutes to walk that mangy mutt you said you’d dogsit?” Ron glowered.

Tears filled Sarah’s eyes. “But you told me you would. When Jenn said she was going away for two months, you promised you’d help me look after the dog.”

“Ron shrugged. I said I’d try to help, but you gotta give me more notice.”

Voila! The revision conveys the same information as the original excerpt in 102 fewer words.

Tip:

Read all dialogue out loud. If you stumble over awkward phrasing, so will readers.

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