Is Your WIP Suffering From Verbosi-Bloat?

Try these tips — installment four of a multi-part series designed to help writers streamline their works in progress.

Minimize World Building

Let’s examine the first three paragraphs of a fantasy/sci-fi novel.

Yuri peered from a 60-foot-wide beach of brilliant, burning sand. His gaze moved north. Before him stretched a vast expanse of water that glimmered to the horizon and far beyond. Hidden in the unplumbed depths of that water roamed untold denizens of the deep: dangerous ten-armed octurangs, menacing razor-toothed piranhari, luminescent jollufisch with electric tentacles, corals with death-dealing spikes, and countless other dangerous fauna. Not to mention the poisonous planktti, seaweeds, seagrasses, and other flora that could kill within seconds if consumed by anyone from Earth.

He shuffled his feet and turned to the east. Streams of red liquid burbled from 450-foot-tall, cave-dotted cliffs of a limestone-like substance toward the water. How the liquid sustained animals and plants remained a mystery to Yuri. The red stuff killed every Earth-based organism it met. And how did the water neutralize its toxicity?

Bordering the streams stood 250-foot-high trees that were 95 to 100 feet in circumference. South lay water. West, more water. In fact, 95.83% of this miserable planet was engulfed in water.

Initial Edit

Yuri peered from a 60-foot-wide beach of brilliant, burning sand. His gaze moved north. Before him stretched a vast expanse of water that glimmered to the horizon and far beyond. Hidden in the unplumbed depths of that water roamed untold denizens of the deep: dangerous ten-armed octurangs, menacing razor-toothed piranhari, luminescent jollufisch with electric tentacles, corals with death-dealing spikes, and countless other dangerous fauna. Not to mention the poisonous planktti, seaweeds, seagrasses, and other flora that could kill within seconds if consumed by anyone from Earth.

He shuffled his feet and turned to the east. Streams of red liquid burbled from 450-foot-tall, cave-dotted cliffs of a limestone-like substance toward the water. How the liquid sustained animals and plants remained a mystery to Yuri. The red stuff killed every Earth-based organism it met. And how did the water neutralize its toxicity?

Bordering the streams stood 250-foot-high towering trees that were 95 to 100 feet in circumference with broad trunks. South lay water. West, more water. In fact, 95.83% of nearly all this miserable planet was engulfed in water.

In real life, people rarely know the exact width, height, or circumference of objects. Ditto with percentages. Someone might compare a wide beach to the length of an Olympic-sized swimming pool, high cliffs to the Empire State Building, or huge trees to redwoods. Unless you have an important, believable reason to include precise details, remove them.

Second Edit

Yuri peered from a wide beach of brilliant, burning sand. His gaze moved north. Before him stretched a vast expanse of water that glimmered to the horizon and far beyond. Hidden in the unplumbed depths of that water roamed untold denizens of the deep: dangerous ten-armed octurangs, menacing razor-toothed piranhari, luminescent jollufisch with electric tentacles, corals with death-dealing spikes, and countless other dangerous fauna. Not to mention the poisonous planktti, seaweeds, seagrasses, and other and poisonous flora that could kill within seconds if consumed by anyone from Earth.

He shuffled his feet and turned to the east. Streams of red liquid burbled from tall lofty, cave-dotted cliffs of a limestone-like substance toward the water. How the liquid sustained animals and plants remained a mystery to Yuri. The red stuff killed every Earth-based organism it met. And how did the water neutralize its toxicity?

Bordering the streams stood towering trees with broad trunks. South lay water. West, more water. In fact, nearly all this miserable planet was engulfed in water.

You can introduce specific flora and fauna details as needed within the story. Readers won’t remember names of species, especially if they’re described paragraphs or chapters before they appear in the storyline.

It’s best to avoid stacked adjectives (brilliant, burning).

Likewise for redundancies such as far beyond.

beyond: afar, far away, far off.

Third Edit

Yuri peered from a wide beach of burning sand. His gaze moved north. Before him stretched a vast expanse of water that glimmered to the horizon and beyond. Hidden in the unplumbed depths of that water roamed untold denizens of the deep: dangerous fauna and poisonous flora.

He turned shuffled toward the east. Streams of red liquid burbled from lofty, cave-dotted cliffs toward the water. How the liquid sustained animals and plants remained a mystery to Yuri. The red stuff killed every Earth-based organism it met. And how did the water neutralize its toxicity?

Bordering the streams towered colossal trees with broad trunks. South lay water. West, more water. In fact, nearly all this miserable planet was engulfed in water.

Further edits could tighten the excerpt and make it easier to read, but we’ve already dropped more than 50 words.

Tip: Only build as much of your world as readers need in order to understand the plot. Anything more slows your story.

Avoid Ambiguity

It may be challenging to spot ambiguous wording. Let’s examine a few examples.

Example #1

Their rules were more or less strictly observed.

more or less: not quite, approximately, almost

strictly: accurately, exactly, precisely

Note the contradiction? Change the wording to a connotation that fits your story.

Example #2

He was pretty heartbroken.

pretty: kind of, somewhat, sort of

heartbroken: crushed, devastated, inconsolable

Can anyone be sort of crushed, kind of devastated, or somewhat inconsolable? Heartbroken is a non-gradable adjective.

If the character isn’t devastated, maybe he’s disappointed, sad, or upset.

Example #3

They entered a street of luxurious homes, and the cab halted before an ornate gate where Warren and Dan exited the vehicle. In response to the knocking of the former, the door was opened by a woman in red, and the latter doffed his hat.

former: the first or first-mentioned of two people, animals, or things

latter: the second or second-mentioned of two people, animals, or things

Did you catch yourself re-reading the first sentence to figure out the identities of the former and the latter? If you had to, so will readers.

We’ll assume the writer has already identified the taxi passengers. The following wording eliminates ambiguity.

They entered a street of luxurious homes, and the cab halted before an ornate gate where the men exited the vehicle. In response to Warren’s knock, the door was opened by a woman in red, and Dan doffed his hat.

Although the reduction in words is only five, you might save many more throughout a novel if you remove frequent instances of former and/or latter.

Example #4

“I am not without hope that we can solve this problem,” said the mathematician.

Better:

“I hope we can solve this problem,” said the mathematician.

Or:

“I know we can solve this problem,” said the mathematician.

Note the different connotations of the rewrites.

Scrutinize everything in your WIP that begins with not. Revision of each instance could slash several words.

Tip: Examine the phrases that come easily to you during your initial draft. You’ll find that many are ambiguous.

Master List of Word-Count Reduction Posts for Writers