Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho

Check out this letter to Santa. To add a little fun, it contains a few deliberate errors. Can you spot the mistakes?

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Dear Santa Clause,

I hope you have me on your Nice List, because I think I’ve been good, and I really want a few things for Christmas.

And, oh, deer Santa, please, please, please, no more mugs. I have a cupboard full of them. And no chocolates, gingerbread cookies, Christmas cake, or other calorie-laden treats. It’s difficult enough to keep weight off at this time of year with all the baking and eggnog, not to mention the bodies’ natural tendency to create an extra layer of insulation during the cold weather.

Have a good flight, Santa. I eagerly await the sound of sleigh bells and reigndear hoofs when you land on the roof. Careful, there’s a slippery spot on the north side of the chimney. (Kids around the world would be heartbroken if you ended up in the hospital with a broken leg.)

Now without further delay, here’s the list of things I would like for Christmas, if you please:

1. A cat that doesn’t shed. I love cats, but I’m allergic. The only non-shedding cat I’ve seen doesn’t shed because it’s hairless and ugly. Can’t you find a purry, furry, loveable feline that doesn’t leave hair everywhere it sits; an affectionate critter that doesn’t make me sneeze and cause my eyes to water.
2. A Starbucks gift card. I’d even settle for any gift card that could be redeemed for Starbucks or gourmet coffee. Or maybe you could make a magic coffee can that never empties. Yeah, that would be great too.
3. The ability to remember all my dreams. Some of my best story ideas come from dreams, but after I wake up, I rarely remember what I’ve dreamt. I know I did dream, and I have a profound sense of something extraordinary niggling at my creativity, but in the light of day, poof! it’s gone.
4. I know, I know, every writer asks for bestsellers, and we can’t all have them, but maybe you could gift me permanent top-ten status for a couple of my books? Please?
5. Enough cash from the previously mentioned bestseller(s) to take a European river cruise during which I’ll see new sights, experience local cuisine, and jot down more story ideas. Once the pandemic is over, of course. Really over. Gone. Extinct.
6. A cleaning lady You know, someone who will do all the dusting, vacuuming, and floor washing. And if the cleaning person knows how to cook, an occasional tasty meal would be most appreciated.
7. Book reviews. Could you persuade a couple of readers to write a review? Amazon will accept reviews as short as twenty words: fewer than the number of words in this paragraph. I’ll even give you a link, Santa, that you could email to the people on your list if you’re short on delivery time: The Writer’s Lexicon series.
8. Fewer distractions. I’m tired of telemarketers and door-to-door salespeople. Oh, and let’s not forget the neighborhood gossip who stands on the step for way too long telling me about who’s seeing who, whose dog crapped on whose lawn, what her chiropractor told her about writers with back problems, what that TV doctor claims about microwaves … If you can’t stop her from ringing my doorbell, please give her something interesting to say, something I can use in my next book. Or else give her laryngitis — nothing serious, just enough to shut her up for a few days.
9. Supportive friends and relatives. When I get a wonderful idea and tune everyone out while I jot it down or text it to myself, please help them realize I’m not ignoring them. I’m just on another planet for a few moments.
10. More time to write. Please help me reorganize my hectic schedule and make me more efficient. It’s so easy to get distracted by social media. It is important, but … Oh, and speaking of social media, does it need so much advertising.
11. Books that market themselves. How you accomplish this is beyond me, Santa, but if you could figure this out, I’d have lots more time to write.
12. An autographed Ray Bradbury book. It’s too late for me to meet him in person, but second best would be any book signed by him. If that’s too much to manage, I’d love a novel signed by Ron Ely, J. K. Rowling, Diana Gabaldon, or Margaret Atwood. I have lots more favorite authors, Santa, and you know who they are. I’d be delighted to receive a signed book from any of them.

That’s it for this year. I know it’s a huge list, but I’d be happy with anything here, especially more book reviews.

I’ll put out cookies, milk, and a giant mug of coffee for you tomorrow night. Than I’ll wait for you with one eye open.

Merry Christmas, Santa!

P.S. Please wish everyone a Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays, no matter how they celebrate the season.

—

Did you find the mistakes?

There were seven:

• Santa Clause should be Santa Claus.
• deer Santa should be dear Santa.
• the bodies’ should be the body’s
• reigndear should be reindeer.
• cause my eyes to water should be followed by a question mark.
• so much advertising should be followed by a question mark.
• Than I’ll wait for you should be Then I’ll wait for you.

Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays to All, and to All a Happy New Year!

What would you like Santa to bring you this year?