This is a reprint of one of my stories that appeared previously in Saturday Night Reader.

An alien dispatched on intergalactic assignment by the Supreme Council expresses his confusion after observing Earth’s contradictory “No Trespassing” signs.

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Ensign Sheenya, I will transmit this report to you as soon as I finish dictating it. Please reformat as per standard guidelines in your customary efficient manner. In my opinion, this entire assignment is a frivolous expense. However, I realize that the Supreme Council is under-budget and needs to disburse its surplus funds, so I will comply with its request.

MISSION REPORT, AGENT X9065

Objective: To evaluate Earth’s trespass warnings, and to decide whether their cautions are superior to ours.

Trespassers Will Be Towed: A young Earth male violated the parking regulations where this sign was posted. A man with a blue-and-purple picture on his left arm appeared at the scene. He drove a truck with a hook-like device on the back. On each door of the truck was an inverted triangular shape containing the words Bubba’s Towing & Pawn.

The violator opened the storage area in the rear of his vehicle and showed the truck driver assorted sparkling items. Said items appeared to be gems mounted in shiny metals and fastened to intricate chains. The driver seemed nervous. After a significant hesitation, he pulled some pieces of paper from a folded leather pouch in his pocket. He gave the paper to the young male, accepted a bag full of items, and drove away.

I waited while I continued to monitor the location, but the trespasser was not towed. Perplexing.

Trespassers Will Be Bitten: These words appeared on a private residence, above the silhouette of an indigenous canine species. When a stranger knocked on the door of the building, a large animal with drooping jowls and dripping saliva ran up to the man — placing its front limbs on his chest — and proceeded to clean his face with its tongue.

Neither the canine nor the occupants of the residence bit the trespasser. I have no explanation for this bizarre contradiction.

Trespassers Will Be Offered A Shot: I noticed this one in the window of an establishment that opened its doors as I walked by shortly after the human lunch pause. I decided to watch from a corner table in said establishment, called a bar.

Rather than shoot violators, as I expected, a woman wearing a skimpy uniform offered them beverages. She did not appear happy when I asked for a glass of H2O. Everyone consumed their beverages, some more than one, and gave the woman bits of paper or loaned her small cards. They left with smiles on their faces. The woman glared at me but did not offer me a shot when I followed the humans out of the bar.

Trespassers Will Be Prosecuted In Klingon: This unusual caution was displayed at the entrance to a gathering referred to as Comic-Con. Aliens and Earthlings alike attended, although I did not see anyone from our planet. Some of the aliens spoke Klingon, but nobody was arrested or prosecuted.

The gathering was so busy that attendees stood in line for multiple Terran time units before they were permitted to enter. I noted efforts to push forward in the line, which were met with firm resistance. However, nobody prosecuted the potential violators.

Trespassers Will Be All Shook Up: Humans carrying guitars, dressed in glittery white costumes, and swiveling their hips, participated in an event featuring music by a deceased Earthman. This is another occasion where everyone stood in line for multiple time units.

I saw no evidence of anyone being shaken, turned upside down, vibrated, et cetera, although some of the Earthlings with guitars sang discordant melodies while they waited. One melody repeated the phrase, “I’m all shook up.” Very confusing.

Trespassers Will Be Baptized: Someone placed this warning in front of a building with colorful windows, a huge lower-case T on the door, and a bell on its roof. I had to observe for six planet rotations before I witnessed any violations.

People filed inside the building after a greeting ritual that involved the grasping of hands and moving them up and down. After everyone had seated themselves on uncomfortable benches, an interesting series of proceedings took place.

Someone made music on a large cubical wooden device with white and black rectangular pushbuttons. Those in attendance sang songs. An Earthling then stood in front of the crowd and lectured, while many people consulted devices on their wrists, and others struggled to keep their eyes open. Some of the participants shouted, “Amen,” and others nodded in agreement.

After that, the human who had given the lecture held another human under H2O, then pulled him out. Everyone looked happy afterward, although I could not determine a reason why.

Two other buildings in the same block displayed signs: Trespassers Will Be Converted and Trespassers Will Be Forgiven. If you extend my mission, I will investigate those buildings as well.

Conclusion: Earthlings use many versions of No Trespassing warnings. However, I believe that our version, always enforced, is still the best: Trespassers Will Be Composted.