It’s Never a Good Idea to Confuse Readers

This series of articles discusses hurdles that cause reader confusion.

Confusion = gripes = lost readers.

Here’s article #11. Do you see the problem? How would you fix it?

Introduction to Excerpt

This is a collage of phrasing I’ve collected from multiple books, edited to preserve anonymity of writers.

Excerpt

Journal entry for May 10, 2019:

The storm hit us on Wednesday, causing freezing temperatures and pipes to burst. ZRX News provided continuous coverage, with a multitude of tips for making it through the storm and important emergency advice.

My mom, though, didn’t bother to listen. She enjoys reading books, gardening, and to write, but television ranks at the bottom of her interests — along with cleaning the house and exercise.

Needless to say, she prefers good news to broadcasts filled with doom and gloom. That’s the reason she never turns on the TV.

Anyways, dear diary, I persuaded her to stay with me, but she said that before she would come, she needed her computer, lots of paper, and mosquito repellent.

Paper, I understand, and why she needed her computer, but not the mosquito repellent. “It’s winter,” I said.

She shrugged and didn’t answer. I still don’t know why she brought it.

Here’s the Problem

In several sentences, and (and one instance each of but not and prefers __________ to) join dissimilar elements. The items in a comparison or series read smoother when they’re parallel. Think of a handshake: Elements on both sides should agree.

parallelism: the use of repeated syntactical equivalents in poetry or prose.

Even if readers don’t know about this literary device, they’ll realize something is off-kilter in the excerpt.

Parallelism is especially important for coordinating conjunctions:

F A N B O Y S

F or

A nd

N or

B ut

O r

Y et

S o

A few other words that signal parallel structure include:

#1 __________ but not __________

John enjoys country music but not opera.

The sun shines during the day but not during the night.

#2 both __________ and __________

I want to order both an entrée and a dessert.

We’ll exhume the bodies of both the murderer and the victim.

#3 either __________ or __________

Either the collie or the greyhound will win the dog show.

Either eat your vegetables or go to bed.

#4 if __________ [then] __________

If you say you’re sorry, [then] I’ll admit I’m wrong.

If you’re a true blonde, [then] I’m a billionaire.

#5 __________ is better than __________

To dream is better than to despair.

Doing is better than dreaming.

#6 __________ is/are [comparative adjective] than __________

Summer is [warmer] than winter.

Platinum is [harder] than gold.

Apples are [sweeter] than lemons.

Dogs are [friendlier] than cats.

#7 like __________ better than __________

The baby likes juice better than milk.

I like sci-fi better than horror.

#8 not only __________ but also __________

Not only Carrie but also Helene accepted his invitation.

I plan not only to sing but also to dance.

#9 prefer __________ to __________

She prefers action to aspiration.

He prefers golfing to reading.

#10 prefer __________ rather than __________

I prefer writing short stories rather than [writing] novels.

She prefers to loaf rather than [to] work.

#11 whenever __________, __________

Whenever he sleeps, he snores.

Whenever the sun shines, the birds sing.

#12 would rather __________ than __________

He would rather travel to Anaheim than [travel to] Orlando.

She would rather receive a tip of 20% than [receive a tip of] 10%.

More Examples of Parallelism

• Like father, like son.
• Wanted: dead or alive.
• To love is better than to hate.
• To know him is to love him.
• She massaged his shoulders grudgingly, angrily; she wrung his neck enthusiastically, murderously.
• “I came. I saw. I conquered.” ~ Julius Caesar
• “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” ~ Charles Dickens
• “I love thee freely, as men strive for right.
• I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.” ~ Elizabeth Barrett Browning
• “… ask not what your country can do for you — ask what you can do for your country.” ~ John F. Kennedy
• “One small step for (a) man, one giant leap for mankind.” ~ Neil Armstrong
• “You’re never too old, too wacky, too wild, to pick up a book and read to a child.” ~ Dr. Seuss
• “Wherever law ends, tyranny begins.” ~ John Locke

Did You Notice a Few Comma Splices in the Preceding Section?

Comma splices (two complete sentences joined by a comma) are employed by many authors as a literary device. However, they irritate readers if not implemented with care.

Now, Back to the Excerpt and Its Problem Areas

Journal entry for May 10, 2019:

The storm hit us on Wednesday, causing freezing temperatures and pipes to burst. ZRX News provided continuous coverage, with a multitude of tips for making it through the storm and important emergency advice.

My mom, though, didn’t bother to listen. She enjoys reading books, gardening, and to write, but television ranks at the bottom of her interests — along with cleaning the house and exercise.

Needless to say, she prefers good news to broadcasts filled with doom and gloom. That’s the reason she never turns on the TV.

Anyways, dear diary, I persuaded her to stay with me, but she said that before she would come, she needed her computer, lots of paper, and mosquito repellent.

Paper, I understand, and why she needed her computer, but not the mosquito repellent. “It’s winter,” I said.

She shrugged and didn’t answer. I still don’t know why she brought it.

Here’s One Solution

Journal entry for May 10, 2019:

The storm hit us on Wednesday, causing frigid temperatures and burst pipes. ZRX News provided continuous coverage, with emergency tips and advice.

My mom, though, didn’t bother to listen. She enjoys reading, gardening, and writing, but television ranks at the bottom of her interests — along with housework and exercise.

Needless to say, she prefers good news to bad [news]. That’s the reason she never turns on the TV.

Anyways, dear diary, I persuaded her to stay with me, but she said that before she would come, she needed her computer, paper, and mosquito repellent.

The paper, I understand, and the computer, but not the mosquito repellent. “It’s winter,” I said.

She shrugged and didn’t answer. I still don’t know why she brought it.

Takeaways

Tip #1:

Determiners and descriptors that appear before a series of nouns should modify every noun in the series, unless each noun has its own descriptor.

Weak wording: She needed her computer, lots of paper, and mosquito repellent.

Better: She needed her computer, [her] paper, and [her] mosquito repellent.

The determiner her modifies all three items in the list.

Also better: … she needed her computer, a ream of paper, and a tube of mosquito repellent.

Since the excerpt is a journal entry, many authors would welcome faulty parallelisms, perhaps including even more mistakes for their ill-educated protagonists. However, a literate character would compose grammatically correct entries.

Poor wording: Wanda ate loads of pizza, a bunch of coleslaw, and stuffed herself even more with ice cream.

Clunky linking of unequal elements jars readers. The intent here is to establish that Wanda gorged. Unless the specific amount of each food is important, we can accomplish the writer’s intent in fewer words.

Better: Wanda ate loads of pizza, coleslaw, and ice cream.

Loads of modifies pizza, coleslaw, and ice cream.

Also better: Wanda ate three pizzas, two tubs of coleslaw, and a gallon of ice cream.

Tip #2:

Pick a determiner. Then stick with it throughout a series.

Example: She is a confidante, my lover, [and] my friend.

Better: She is my confidante, my lover, [and] my friend.

Or: She is my confidante, lover, and friend.

Also better: She is a confidante, a lover, [and] a friend.

Or: She is a confidante, lover, and friend.

Note the differing connotations caused by slight adjustments of determiners.

P.S.

Think of the writer as the operator of a remote-controlled vehicle. The writer’s job is to keep a story traveling in the correct lane. Faulty parallelism sends the vehicle and its passengers careening into the ditch. If they can’t return to the road quickly enough, they may seek alternative transportation.