Confused Readers Will Avoid Your Books
This series of articles discusses hurdles that cause reader confusion.
Confusion = gripes = lost readers.
Here’s article #10. Do you see the problem? How would you fix it?
Introduction to Excerpt
The following narrative is representative of what I frequently encounter while reading.
Excerpt
When LeBeau heard the bell, he started to walk toward the door. He opened it a crack and decided to peer into the darkness beyond.
A hoarse feminine voice began to whisper, “Please let me in. They’re after me. Quick, I don’t have much time.”
He started to reach for the chain. Two shots rang out. Loud — must be close. He ducked down and commenced to open the door.
A burly woman he had never seen before began to force her way in. “Thanks,” she said, “you’re a dear.” She set about to pull a smoking revolver from behind her back and shoved it into his chest. “Now kindly take me to your safe, Mr. LeBeau.”
He began to tremble, and his knees started to buckle. “B-b-but I don’t have any money.”
She initiated a contemptuous smile as she pointed the revolver at his temple. “I don’t care about your money. I need the microchips.”
Here’s the Problem
How many times did the narrative distance you from the action with words like started, began, and initiated?
The underlined words in the paragraphs below indicate problem areas.
Copy of Excerpt
When LeBeau heard the bell, he started to walk toward the door. He opened it a crack and decided to peer into the darkness beyond.
A hoarse feminine voice began to whisper, “Please let me in. They’re after me. Quick, I don’t have much time.”
He started to reach for the chain. Two shots rang out. Loud — must be close. He ducked down and commenced to open the door.
A burly woman he had never seen before began to force her way in. “Thanks,” she said, “you’re a dear.” She set about to pull a smoking revolver from behind her back and shoved it into his chest. “Now kindly take me to your safe, Mr. LeBeau.”
He began to tremble, and his knees started to buckle. “B-b-but I don’t have any money.”
She initiated a contemptuous smile as she pointed the revolver at his temple. “I don’t care about your money. I need the microchips.”
Readers Might Not Understand Why the Narrative Doesn’t Engage Them
But now you will. The phrasing distances them from the action.
The Writer’s Lexicon series
and additional resources on my Facebook page.
Here’s One Solution
When LeBeau heard the bell, he walked toward the door, opened it a crack, and peered into the darkness beyond.
A hoarse feminine voice whispered, “Please let me in. They’re after me. Quick, I don’t have much time.”
He reached for the chain. Two shots rang out. Loud — must be close. He ducked down and opened the door.
A burly woman he had never seen before forced her way in. “Thanks,” she said, “you’re a dear.” She pulled a smoking revolver from behind her back and shoved it into his chest. “Now kindly take me to your safe, Mr. LeBeau.”
He trembled, and his knees buckled. “B-b-but I don’t have any money.”
She sneered as she pointed the revolver at his temple. “I don’t care about your money. I need the microchips.”
Takeaway
Words and phrases such as the following often distance readers.
attempted to
began to
chose to
commenced to
decided to
endeavored to
initiated
prepared to
resolved to
set about to
started to
tried to
undertook to
For instance:
Does the sun start to shine in the morning, or does it shine, period?
Does your protagonist decide to run his fingers through a woman’s hair, or does he run his fingers through her hair, full stop?
Does a cranky baby begin to fall asleep or simply fall asleep? Finally!
Speaking of falling asleep, don’t force your readers into snooze mode by turning your action scenes into humdrummeries.
P.S.
Unnecessary staging and phrasing also slow narrative.
Consider a Few More Changes
The doorbell chimed. LeBeau cracked the door open and peered into the darkness.
A feminine voice hissed, “Let me in. They’re after me.”
Two shots rang out. Loud — must be close. He ducked.
A burly woman forced her way in. “Thanks, you’re a dear,” she said as she shoved a smoking revolver into his chest. “Now take me to your safe.”
His knees buckled. “B-b-but I don’t have any money.”
She sneered and pointed the revolver at his temple. “I don’t care about your money. I need the microchips.”
Word Counts
The initial excerpt contains 155 words. The first solution reduces the word count to 132, and the final edits to 89. Fewer words = faster action.
A Paragraph-By-Paragraph Analysis
Paragraph #1
First edit: When LeBeau heard the bell, he walked toward the door, opened it a crack, and peered into the darkness beyond.
Second edit: The doorbell chimed. LeBeau cracked the door open and peered into the darkness.
[Having LeBeau hear the bell filters the action through his senses. No need to include his movement toward the door, unless it’s important to mention his gait: Readers know he has to get there before he opens it. Beyond is unnecessary; if he’s peering into the darkness, we know it’s beyond where he’s standing.]
Paragraph #2
First edit: A hoarse feminine voice whispered, “Please let me in. They’re after me. Quick, I don’t have much time.”
Second edit: A feminine voice hissed, “Let me in. They’re after me.”
[The “only-use-said” community will protest my inclusion of hissed. However, this situation begs for it. Whispered (also a less egregious contravention of the “only-use-said” rule) doesn’t deliver the same urgency. The shortened dialogue provides only necessary information and impels the narrative at a faster clip.]
Paragraph #3
First edit: He reached for the chain. Two shots rang out. Loud — must be close. He ducked down and opened the door.
Second edit: Two shots rang out. Loud — must be close. He ducked.
[Having LeBeau reach for the chain and open the door adds extraneous details, and if the woman has to force her way in, he couldn’t have opened it very wide. Since duck means to lower the head or body suddenly, down is redundant.]
Paragraph #4
First edit: A burly woman he had never seen before forced her way in. “Thanks,” she said, “you’re a dear.” She pulled a smoking revolver from behind her back and shoved it into his chest. “Now kindly take me to your safe, Mr. LeBeau.”
Second edit: A burly woman forced her way in. “Thanks, you’re a dear,” she said as she shoved a smoking revolver into his chest. “Now take me to your safe.”
[Readers will assume that LeBeau has never seen the woman before. The narrative refers to her as a woman, not his neighbor, his brother’s nanny, his divorce attorney, or another phrase that would identify her as a known entity. Is there a need for her to hold the revolver behind her back? She’s better prepared to overpower him if the revolver is in front of her.]
Paragraph #5
First edit: He trembled, and his knees buckled. “B-b-but I don’t have any money.”
Second edit: His knees buckled. “B-b-but I don’t have any money.”
[Trembling and buckling knees both indicate his fear. Why include both?]
Paragraph #6
First edit: She sneered as she pointed the revolver at his temple. “I don’t care about your money. I need the microchips.”
Second edit: She sneered and pointed the revolver at his temple. “I don’t care about your money. I need the microchips.”
[As she is shortened to and — a simple cut of one word because to me, it reads better.]
The Writer’s Lexicon series
and additional resources on my Facebook page.
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I recall seeing on some writing craft website a rule of thumb that verbs ending in ‘-ed’ should be looked at HARD. Of course this is a craft, and things get fuzzy around the edges, but at the center, there are rules.
Was it King or Strunk who said unequivocally ‘be brief’? I can’t recall, but verb modifiers, such as the ones you pointed out, usually don’t survive my first revision. I dump them in like mad when I’m burning through my first draft, but when I go back for first revise, I cut the majority of them.
Nobody’s mentioned it yet, but I have to say I was confused and stopped dead in reading the sample when the smoking gun appeared. It jangled w/ the MC’s ‘must be close’ and I wasn’t sure (still ain’t) did the woman shoot at his door, behind her, or in the air? If I was doing a 2nd draft, or editing for my wife, I’d be all over that sentence for clarification. It probably wouldn’t survive.
AWESOME post Kathy
Thanks, Desmond.
Yes, “ed” verbs can confuse readers. “Is it an adjective? The past tense of a verb?” Writers have to be clear. Leaving a WIP to rest for a few weeks often reveals rough edges.
Ha! The smoking gun is a story in itself. A continuation of the piece could explain it. Story prompt?
Wonder if genre makes a difference. After I SLASHED though my historical novel draft, I wasn’t certain I liked the results. The flow, rhythms, voice had changed. Old-time historical novels were so wordy – and lyrical. I realize modern readers are in a hurry to get through the story, but now it feels too rushed and somehow undressed.
Thanks for your comment, Marilyn.
Perhaps indulge in a bit of flowery prose here and there, remembering that today’s readers don’t need the descriptive details found in older works. We have the internet, YouTube, movies, and other media.
However, modern words in a period novel can spoil the effect: https://kathysteinemann.com/Musings/gripe04/
Really liked the talk on making our writings more lively and engaging to readers. Made a lot of sense. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks for reading, Glenn.
Another informative article. What would my writing be without your help? A boring read. Thank you!
blush Thanks, Rhue!
A useful precis of different aspects of wordcounting. Another reason why competitions with word limits are good practice for the beginning writer – even though I haven’t won any (yet).
Contests–highly recommended. Even if you don’t win, you gain knowledge and skills.