Introduction to Excerpt
This series of articles discusses hurdles that cause reader confusion.
Confusion = gripes = lost readers.
Here’s article #9. Do you see the problem? How would you fix it?
Although this type of narrative typically indicates the fumbling of an inexperienced writer, it appears as well in books of famous authors. Just because authors are famous, however, doesn’t mean they don’t make mistakes.
Excerpt
“Come over here,” Heidi said as she opened her computer. Andy shuffled across the carpet. “That looks like an email from my aunt.”
“No, it’s my cousin Martina. The one who lives in Germany. You know, the one with the brown dog that hates strangers.”
“Germany? I thought she lived in Switzerland.”
Andy cocked his head.
“Anyways, what’s the diff? Germany, Switzerland, they’re neighbors. You want a beer?”
“Too many calories. I’m trying to lose weight.”
“You on that stupid diet again?”
Heidi raised her eyebrows. A shrug was the response. “You know, beer really gets a bad rap. It doesn’t have as many calories as you think.”
Here’s the Problem
Can you tell whose dialogue belongs to whom? The first sentence is obvious, but after that, the back-and-forth becomes fuzzy.
A Note Regarding the Following Solutions
Pay attention to paragraph breaks and underlined portions.
First Solution
“Come over here,” Heidi said as she opened her computer.¶
Andy shuffled across the carpet. “That looks like an email from my aunt.”
“No, it’s my cousin Martina. The one who lives in Germany. You know, the one with the brown dog that hates strangers.”
“Germany? I thought she lived in Switzerland.” Andy cocked his head. “Anyways, what’s the diff? Germany, Switzerland, they’re neighbors. You want a beer?” [three paragraphs combined into a single paragraph]
“Too many calories. I’m trying to lose weight.”
“You on that stupid diet again?” he asked.
Heidi raised her eyebrows.¶
A shrug was his response. “You know, beer really gets a bad rap. It doesn’t have as many calories as you think.”
Second Solution
“Come over here,” Heidi said as she opened her computer.¶
Andy shuffled across the carpet. “That looks like an email from my aunt.”
“No, it’s my cousin Martina. The one who lives in Germany. You know, the one with the brown dog that hates strangers.”
“Germany? I thought she lived in Switzerland.”[Two paragraphs combined into one.] Andy cocked his head.
“Anyways, what’s the diff? Germany, Switzerland, they’re neighbors. You want a beer?” Heidi asked.
“Too many calories. I’m trying to lose weight.”
“You on that stupid diet again?” [No paragraph break.]Heidi raised her eyebrows.¶
A shrug was his response.
“You know,” she said, “beer really gets a bad rap. It doesn’t have as many calories as you think.”
Comments
Simple changes clarify who’s talking, which in turn clarify who’s on the diet and who offers the beer. In the first solution, Heidi is dieting; in the second, it’s Andy. The first has Andy offering the beer; the second has Heidi doing it.
Takeaways
New speaker = new paragraph.
Action beats and dialogue tags are a writer’s friend. Include them when they further the story or clarify who is speaking.
P.S.
Unique speech characteristics for each person would also help readers keep track of characters.
The Writer’s Lexicon series
and additional resources on my Facebook page.
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I try to strike a balance somewhere in the middle. Over the past three years I have attempted to reduce the number of “dialog tags” in my writing, yet keep the identity of the speakers distinct. Context helps, as do speech patterns, but sometimes you need to insert something that keeps the reader from being confused. It really gets critical when you have three or more people talking.
Setting also helps, as in a courtroom. Here’s a snippet from my latest novel, Colonial Defense Attorney:
McCurdy cleared his throat and tilted his head.
“As I said in my report, it was a dangerous neighborhood. I observed his car parked in front of a known crack house.”
“I see. Was his car parked in a no-parking zone?”
“No.”
“When he left the known crack house, was he speeding?”
“No.”
“Did he ignore any traffic signals?”
“Not that I saw, no.”
“So the only reason you stopped him was that he was parked in front of the…” She made quote marks in the air. “…known crack house. Is that correct?”
“Objection. Asked and answered.”
“Sustained.”
Victoria took two steps closer to the witness box and stopped. She stared at the witness again, penetrating him with a cold blue gaze.
“Officer McCurdy, as you sit here this morning testifying, are you proud of yourself?”
“Objection!”
“Overruled.”
There are no dialog tags here, but I think (at least I hope) there is no confusion as to who is talking.
In this snippet from Manhunt on Tau Ceti 4, I did just the opposite, because the scene was intended to be funny:
The two cops exchanged a cynical glance.
“We found them standing in the middle of the street about a mile from here,” the older cop said.
“Nekkid,” the younger cop said.
“Bare-assed,” the older cop added. “Freezing their balls off.”
Nick laughed.
“Oh, those guys! Always goofing around.”
“They told us that you stole their clothing,” the older cop said.
“And beat them up,” the younger cop said.
“And fired your weapon at them,” the older cop said.
“What do you have to say?” the younger cop said.
Having said all that, it is sometimes astonishing what you see in print from the “big” publishing houses. I sometimes wonder where their editors went to school…or if they did.
Hi, John. Nice to see you back, and I’m looking forward to your post on May 1.
The back-and-forth in the courtroom didn’t need tags. Brilliant. Everyone knows that the other side objects and the judge rules. The cops were funny. Even without descriptions, I could almost see them.
Thank you…and you’re welcome. I do love to show off.
I didn’t have any problem deciding who was speaking in the supposed poor example.
You’re a rare exception, Alan. Most readers would.
I struggled with this problem in the early days. I had an editor at a publishing house point it out to me in a manuscript where I had committed this sin regularly.
It was nice of her to do that as a note to the standard rejection letter. I was greatly embarrassed and so learned the lesson. Now I see those run ons as I write them, then quickly go back and make the fix.
Thanks for stopping by, Michael.
It’s such an easy problem to fix. Sometimes writers know what they want to say, and they view everything from the perspective of the omniscient person behind the scenes. However, readers don’t have that inside information. Letting a WIP rest for a few days or weeks often helps a writer recognize the problem areas.