Writing Like This Can Alienate Readers

This series of articles discusses hurdles that cause reader confusion.

Confusion = gripes = lost readers.

Here’s article #8. Do you see the problem? How would you fix it?

Introduction to Excerpt

The following paragraphs are an amalgamation of sentences from multiple flash fiction pieces. They have been edited to preserve anonymity of writers.

Excerpt

Jordan picked up the phone. He put it on speaker. He stirred his coffee. He listened. His brow furrowed. He started to speak. His foot caught the edge of the carpet. He tripped. His upper body hit the wall. His mug and spoon danced across the floor. They left a trail of coffee in their wake. He reached up to massage his head.

The phone lay out of reach. “… and all you have to do to win the cruise is provide this coupon code when you fill out our online form …”

Jordan cursed. He slid over to the phone. He hung up on the telemarketer.

The phone rang again. He jabbed the screen. He crammed it against his ear. His ear still smarted from its encounter with the wall. He said several words that would make Grandma roll over in her grave. Then he continued, “and if you ever call me again, I’ll sic the cops on you.”

He scowled at the response: “Jordie, how dare you talk to me that way.”

He lowered the phone. He squinted at the caller ID. “Uh … sorry, Mom.”

Here’s the Problem

This excerpt makes for choppy reading. Nearly all the sentences have the same subject-predicate format, with minimal variation in sentence length. The shorter phrasing is typical in high-energy action scenes — which this is not.

Here’s One Solution

Jordan picked up the phone and put it on speaker. With furrowed brow, he listened while stirring his coffee. He started to speak but caught his foot on the edge of the carpet. This caused him to trip. His upper body hit the wall, sending his mug and spoon dancing across the floor and leaving a trail of coffee in their wake. He reached up to massage his head.

Just out of reach lay his phone. “… and all you have to do to win the cruise is provide this coupon code when you fill out our online form …”

Cursing, he slid over to the phone and hung up on the telemarketer.

When the phone rang again, he jabbed the screen and crammed it against his ear, which was still smarting from its encounter with the wall. Several words that would make Grandma roll over in her grave spewed from his mouth before he threatened, “and if you ever call me again, I’ll sic the cops on you.”

The response brought a scowl to his face: “Jordie, how dare you talk to me that way.”

He lowered the phone and squinted at the caller ID. “Uh … sorry, Mom.”

Takeaway

Scan your work. Do you have a plethora of sentences that begin with nouns/noun phrases, he/she, or names followed by predicates?

Vary sentence lengths and constructions, inserting occasional conjunctions such as and, but, as, and while. A few present participles (such as sending, dancing, leaving, cursing, and smarting) will provide variety.

P.S.

Watch those present participles.

Incorrect:

Taking off her clothes, Wanda jumped into bed.

Opening the door, Brent shook his visitor’s hand

Present participles indicate concurrent action. It’s impossible for Wanda to jump into bed at the same time as she takes off her clothes. Likewise, Brent can’t shake his visitor’s hand at the same time as he opens the door.

Correct:

After taking off her clothes, Wanda jumped into bed.

Wanda took off her clothes and jumped into bed.

Once Brent had opened the door, he shook his visitor’s hand.

Brent opened the door and shook his visitor’s hand.