This series of articles discusses hurdles that cause reader confusion.

Confusion = gripes = lost readers.

Here’s article #3. Do you see the problem? How would you fix it?

Introduction to Excerpt

The following paragraphs comprise the initial words of a short story.

Excerpt

Marianne cradled Heinrich’s emaciated hand in hers, gazed at his yellowish-grey skin, his tortured breathing, a rattle interspersed with bubbling, was almost inaudible among the beeps of monitoring equipment. His weak exhalations barely stirred his bedraggled mustache, tubes fed him and drained him, he floated in and out of consciousness.

Less than a week, the doctors said he’d be dead in less than a week, I’m going to paint him, I want something to remember him by.

The nurse checked Heinrich’s vitals. “Your brother’s fortunate to have a dedicated sister like you, you should go home for a while and get some sleep, he’s stable for now, we’ll call you if his condition deteriorates.”

Marianne opened her mouth to protest, but realized the nurse was right, she stroked Heinrich’s hand just one more time before she left his room.

Here’s the Problem

Were you forced to reread sentences because you couldn’t tell where one thought ends and the next begins?

The excerpt contains comma splices — independent clauses separated by commas.

Here’s the Solution

Marianne cradled Heinrich’s emaciated hand in hers and gazed at his yellowish-grey skin. His tortured breathing, a rattle interspersed with bubbling, was almost inaudible among the beeps of monitoring equipment. His weak exhalations barely stirred his bedraggled mustache. Tubes fed him and drained him. He floated in and out of consciousness.

Less than a week. The doctors said he’d be dead in less than a week. I’m going to paint him. I want something to remember him by.

The nurse checked Heinrich’s vitals. “Your brother’s fortunate to have a dedicated sister like you. You should go home for a while and get some sleep. He’s stable for now. We’ll call you if his condition deteriorates.”

Marianne opened her mouth to protest, but realized the nurse was right. She stroked Heinrich’s hand just one more time before she left his room.

Takeaway

If the words preceding a comma and those following it form complete thoughts (independent clauses), they should be converted into sentences, joined by a word such as and, or separated by semicolons.

A few examples of comma splices, with suggested edits:

John wanted food, he wanted water even more.
John wanted food but he wanted water even more.
John wanted food; he wanted water even more.
John wanted food. He wanted water even more.
John wanted food. However, he wanted water even more.
Although John wanted food, he wanted water even more.

Note how one comma splice is fixed with but, a coordinating conjunction. The seven coordinating conjunctions are:

For
And
Nor
But
Or
Yet
So

A second comma splice is corrected by adding the subordinating conjunction although. Subordinating conjunctions include words such as after, before, because, if, since, unless, until, whenever, why, etc.

In the sentence, John wanted food but he wanted water even more, a comma before but would be preferred by many editors, because the phrases preceding and following but are independent clauses. However, an action scene often omits commas in short sentences to accelerate the pace.

Another example:

William walked to the store, he walked to the bank, he walked home.
William walked to the store and to the bank. Then he walked home.
William walked to the store; he walked to the bank; he walked home.
William walked to the store. He walked to the bank. He walked home.
After walking to the store, William walked to the bank and then home.
William walked to the store, to the bank, and then home.

P.S.

Sometimes comma splices are warranted, especially in dialogue:

“I want you, I need you, I must have you,” Warren said as he grabbed Sandi’s elbow and twirled her around to face him.

The commas add to the urgency of Warren’s words. Does he sound breathless, perhaps?

Action scenes, which often employ short sentences, are sometimes enhanced by comma splices:

Mark threw a left, a right, he ducked.

I ran, I hid, I tried to control my breathing.

Other cases where comma splices might be considered acceptable:

He likes pie, I like ice cream.

I came, I saw, I conquered. (Veni, vidi, vici. ~ Julius Caesar)

Note that the “acceptable” comma splices separate short clauses.

P.P.S.

The initial excerpt is a mangled copy-and-paste from one of my stories, “Anonymous Artist,” in Suppose: Drabbles, Flash Fiction, and Short Stories.