The Scoop

This post summarizes eighteen ways writers and poets can prevent people from becoming (or remaining) their friends on Facebook. Many of these no-nos also apply to X (Twitter) and other social media.

No-No #1: Send a Friend Request Even Though You Don’t Have a Profile Picture or Cover Photo

Do you expect anyone to friend a pasty-faced dude or dudette sitting in a dark room? If you can’t spare the time to look like a real person, other “persons” won’t spare the time to be your friend.

Grifter? Serial killer?

No-No #2: Send a Friend Request When You Haven’t Posted Anything Under Your About Tab

Or your Friends list is hidden.

Or all your friends are the same gender.

Or your timeline is overstuffed with “buy my book” posts.

Or you respond to the initial “You’re friends on Facebook” notification from Messenger with a link to your book. No message. Just a link.

C’mon. Make an effort and let people know something about you. Otherwise you’re just a name. Like those names that used to be published in telephone books. In the dark ages before we looked up telephone numbers on our phones.

No-No #3: Post a Profile Photo That Shows You in Military Uniform and Performing Heroic Actions or Accepting Medals

Ditto for your cover photo and multiple timeline pics.

But your timeline contains no posts or status updates. Oh — look at your Friends list. All female.

I respect every member of the military, and I thank them for their service. However, you sully their reputation. You’re obviously NOT in the armed forces.

And you don’t belong on my Friends list.

No-No #4: Try to Market Your Books on Friends’ Timelines

Ditto if you try to peddle sunglasses, jewelry, personal care products, etc. Facebook has groups for that.

Spammer.

No-No #5: Promote Your Books by Hijacking Comments

Scenario: Someone posts about a trending topic or mentions their book on their own timeline or in a group. You then comment on that post with a promotion for your own book or service.

Impolite. Inappropriate. Unethical.

And you’re a parasite.

No-No #6: Provide Unrelated Book Recommendations

Picture this: A friend asks for historical romance recommendations. You hype your horror novel, extolling its virtues and guaranteeing that your friend will love it. … “Or maybe you’ll like this one (a second link) or this one (a third link).”

Jerk.

No-No #7: Pubblish Remarcks or Meems Filled With Pumctution. Grammer, and Spelling Erross;

You want readers to buy your books, but your updates look like they were written by a six-year old.

Huh?

If you can’t write a short post that isn’t riddled with typos, everyone will expect your books to show the same unprofessionalism.

Maybe you think nobody will notice.

But I do.

No-No #8: Fill Your Timeline With Expletives Grandma Would Be Embarrassed to Read

Or instead of Grandma: an employer, a love interest, your religious leader, a future voter (should you decide to run for office … once on the internet, forever on the internet … unless you can afford the expense to scrub it).

You’re a writer. You should know how to express yourself without alienating some of your reading audience. Can’t you be more creative?

Save those f-bombs for the locker room.

No-No #9: Invite Writer Friends to Play a Game. Better Yet, Several Games

After all, we’re only writers. Our time is our own. Our writing can wait.

The last I remember having any free time was a couple of minutes in 2001. Or maybe it was 2002. I was so busy I didn’t pay attention to the year.

No-No #10: Rant Several Times Daily About Politics

Please. No. We can access political news via television or thousands of internet sites.

Combine the rants with expletives, and you’ll plummet to a -100 rating in my friendship black book. Oops, nobody uses black books anymore, but I have a black sinkhole in my head, and you’re so far down in the ratings that nobody could find you in there, even with a plumber’s snake.

The following will also make many friends disappear faster than a crooked vanity publisher:

• Misogynistic remarks
• Sexual orientation tirades
• Racial slurs
• Rabid religious histrionics
• Tantrums about family feuds

No-No #11: Tag Multiple Friends in a Post

This is what I’m talking about:

“­__________ [is with] [shared a post– with] [shared a photo– with] [is feeling __________ with] ­­­­­so-and-so and 207 others.”

Really? I was with [so-and-so]? I don’t remember that. Is my memory slipping?

Let’s see … Remove Tag … Hide from Timeline … unfriend.

No-No #12: Allow Your Timeline to Fill With Posts Such as Those in the Previous Point

Your timeline is an advertisement for YOU. Clean up the litter.

Yesterday.

No-No #13: Add People to Groups Without Their Consent

If you think XYZ Group is the greatest discovery since humans invented cave drawings, send a message.

And not a group message addressed to dozens of friends. Please.

No-No #14: Send Chain Letters or Videos via Messenger

Back in olden times when teenagers still knew what a rotary-dial phone was, a chain letter required the sender to invest in postage. Nowadays hundreds of people (like me, drat it) can receive a chain letter without you paying a dime. And if anyone clicks on a video, it might infect their computer with a virus, which you may or may not have intended to send.

Don’t. Just. Don’t.

No-No #15: Set up Group Messages in Messenger to Promote Your Books or Personal Agenda

Don’t you wonder about all the people who leave the conversation when you pull a stunt like this? They have a reason for bolting.

And I’ll bolt with them before you have a chance to make another mouse click.

No-No #16: Send Numerous Short Messages Like:

“Hi!!!!”

“How R you?”

“What U doing?”

“You look grate!”

“Nice hair.”

… or send a message that contains only a link to your book.

I don’t have time for this — or you.

No-No #17: Inform Everyone How Many Times a Day You Use the Washroom

Or what your bowel movements look like. Or how they smell.

I’m a writer. I have a visual brain. Now I’ll look at you for the rest of my days and see a giant pile of poop instead of your profile photo.

Ew. Just ew.

Likewise for other bodily functions or gross reminders of how human we all are.

Where’s that UNFRIEND button?

No-No #18: Ask Me to Like Several of Your Pages

Do I need to explain?

And why do you have several pages? Do you expect me to like eight book pages, Rover’s and Tabby’s pages, and your jewelry sales business?

Pu-lease. Why don’t you spend your time on your main page? You know, the one with all the “buy my book” posts but no substance?

Reminder: Once on the Internet, Forever on the Internet

Facebook posts are not private, no matter how you configure your settings. If you consider your timeline a sacred personal space, think again. Anything you say there leaks out, like yelling would in a house with open windows and doors.

And you might assume that writing under a pseudonym will allow you free rein on your Facebook profile.

Nope.

Consider what happened to J. K. Rowling and other authors who tried to hide their true identities.