This series of articles discusses writing habits that upset editors.
Here’s article #4. Do you see the problem(s)?
Introduction to Excerpt
You won’t find the following paragraphs in any single book. They’re an amalgamation of sentences (edited to preserve anonymity of authors) from several publications.
As you read the excerpt, try to think of a descriptive noun for the phrases that will irritate your editor.
Excerpt
Christie forced her way through the dense underbrush, her whole body filled with some sort of unfamiliar tingle she had never ever felt before. Except for her breathing and the crackling of branches as she pushed them aside, utter silence reigned in the glade.
She stubbed her toe on something. A rock?
She looked down and gaped in total and unreserved horror. It was a dead, unmoving carcass. Decaying. Filled with disgusting maggots. Above it, spinning round and round, whirred a tiny micro-drone.
The drone stopped its spin, and its camera swiveled in her direction. Christie stared straight into its lens as the drone drew nearer and nearer. She inched backward, step by step. Backward. Before she had time to fully sort out the situation, she felt a breeze whoosh up her blouse. She froze completely. Slowly, slowly she turned her head — and realized that she stood right on the rim of a cliff.
It was a precarious, precarious state of affairs.
Review the Excerpt Again, Noting the Underlined Portions
Christie forced her way through the dense underbrush, her whole body filled with some sort of unfamiliar tingle she had never ever felt before. Except for her breathing and the crackling of branches as she pushed them aside, utter silence reigned in the glade.
She stubbed her toe on something. A rock?
She looked down and gaped in total and unreserved horror. It was a dead, unmoving carcass. Decaying. Filled with disgusting maggots. Above it, spinning round and round, whirred a tiny micro-drone.
The drone stopped its spin, and its camera swiveled in her direction. Christie stared straight into its lens as the drone drew nearer and nearer. She inched backward, step by step. Backward. Before she had time to fully sort out the situation, she felt a breeze whoosh up her blouse. She froze completely. Slowly, slowly she turned her head — and realized that she stood right on the rim of a cliff.
It was a precarious, precarious state of affairs.
The Writer’s Lexicon series
and additional resources on my Facebook page.
Do You See the Redundancies?
redundant: superfluous, unneeded, unnecessary
redundancy: more words than necessary to express meaning; pleonasm
As you review the following definitions, keep the previous two in mind.
fill: to put into something as much as it can hold
If Christie’s body is filled, why do we need whole?
some: an unknown or indefinite being or thing
Indefinite thing = indefinite article
Some sort of = a
unfamiliar: not having prior knowledge or experience of
Something she had never ever felt before? That’s encompassed by the definition of unfamiliar.
never: not ever
Never already encompasses ever. Therefore never ever is a pleonasm.
silence: utter absence of sound
If the glade is silent, it is already reigned by an utter absence of sound, and utter is redundant.
horror: extreme fright, shock, or repugnance
extreme: the highest or utmost degree
Total and unreserved horror is another redundant phrase, because horror by definition is already at the utmost degree.
carcass: a dead body
Does the writer need to say that a carcass is dead and unmoving? Unless this is part of a zombie novel, or a wizard has animated a corpse, of course the carcass will be dead and unmoving.
spin: to turn quickly or whirl around
Is it necessary to have the drone spinning round and round?
Another problem: Many people use spin as a synonym for both rotate (to spin on an axis) and revolve (to orbit). Nothing in the excerpt provides context so that readers can create an accurate mental image of the drone’s movement.
micro: extremely small
As worded, we have a tiny, extremely small micro-drone. Redundancy? Definitely.
stare: to gaze intently with eyes wide open
Is there any other way to stare than straight into something? Having Christie stare straight into the lens of the drone is another pleonasm.
nearer: at, within, or to a shorter distance than before
Nearer and nearer and similar phrases appear often in dialogue. Although many writers employ them for emphasis within narrative, most editors will question their value. Rather than emphasize, this type of wording tends to weaken writing.
inch: to move very slowly, in short stages
Step by step is synonymous with in short stages. Christie inches backward. No need to add step by step.
sort out: to find an answer or solution to a problem
Once a situation is sorted out, the solution has been discovered. Period. No need for fully.
freeze: to become completely motionless
No need for completely, since freeze embraces the totality of the immobilization process.
right: the furthest or most complete degree, completely
Christie is standing on the rim, which is the upper edge of the cliff. We don’t need to position her completely or right there, because she can’t go any higher or any farther back than where she’s already standing.
precarious: dangerous and likely to fall or get worse
An editor might tolerate one instance of precarious but not two.
Here’s One Solution
Christie forced her way through the dense underbrush, her body filled with a tingle she had never felt before. Except for her breathing and the crackling of branches as she pushed them aside, silence reigned in the glade.
She stubbed her toe on something. A rock?
She looked down and gaped in horror. It was a carcass. Decaying. Filled with disgusting maggots. Around it orbited a whirring micro-drone.
The drone stopped in mid-orbit, and its camera swiveled in her direction. Christie stared into its lens as the drone drew nearer. She inched backward. Backward. Before she had time to sort out the situation, she felt a breeze whoosh up her blouse. She froze. Slowly she turned her head — and realized that she stood on the rim of a cliff.
It was a precarious state of affairs.
Takeaways
With a few edits, we save more than two dozen words and tighten the piece.
Further word economy could be achieved:
filled with a tingle she had never felt before
could be replaced with:
filled with an unfamiliar tingle
Most people would consider maggots disgusting, so many editors would red-line the word.
Is the last sentence of the excerpt necessary? The precarious situation has been established. Readers don’t need the writer to state the obvious.
P.S.
Put your final revision away for as long as possible, and then read it out loud, taking care not to miss any words. Your ears will pick up redundancies that a silent read will miss. Fix them before submitting your WIP to your editor.
Revising a novel-length manuscript doesn’t have to be a daunting task. Tackle a page at a time. You’ll probably discover a few pet expressions you can eliminate with your word processor’s search-and-replace function.
The Writer’s Lexicon series
and additional resources on my Facebook page.
Discover more from KathySteinemann.com: Free Resources for Writers
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.
If the carcass was filled with maggots, would it be unmoving? “Alive with wriggling maggots”? Not everybody finds maggots disgusting. The owner of a bait shop near me kept boxes of them (called ‘gentles’ in the UK – US also?) and would scoop a handful and eat them (usually in front of the ladies).
Excellent points, Peter. Thanks.
I’ve never heard maggots referred to as “gentles,” but a few other words come to mind. Now that bait-shop owner — there’s a disgusting image.
A great eye-opener. I always get something from your posts.
On a different topic, I’m wondering if you can offer me any advice on something.
I’m writing a novel in which the character commits a murder half-way through, but I don’t want the reader to know about it until near the end.
How should I reveal this? I’m thinking some sort of flashback scene, but I’m unsure how to splice it into the story.
Thanks in anticipation.
Thanks, Thomas.
You could drop hints — some via the character’s reactions and others via physical clues like slip-ups in dialogue, evidence of the murder not concealed properly, etc. If the character is your main protagonist, you could provide a bit of internal monologue. Limit it, though, to the occasional essential detail. It’s a tell, and too much internal monologue irritates readers.
Good luck with the novel!
Thanks. I’m still in draft mode, so I have plenty of time to work this out. I’m sure something will come to me. As in, the character will show me how he wants it revealed. LOL
Kathy, I have been a fan of yours for a very long time. You generously offer your wealth of knowledge, for which I am extremely grateful. I purchased your Lexicon books and find them to be a tremendous help with my writing and I always eagerly await your posts knowing I will learn something new or be reminded of something I have forgotten. Selfishly, I have never taken the time to thank you. It’s about time for me to say it: THANK YOU, KATHY, VERY MUCH!!
Thanks so much, Ren’e!
Excellent article. It’s given me the push I needed to re-read and edit several stories.
Thanks, Eamon. Good luck with your stories.
This is so helpful! As I’m trying to get into writing, I tend to become more consumed in the rush of creativity and the excitement of the narrative that I lose structure and clarity. I also have the temptation to create long prologues / flashbacks from the protagonist’s first person perspective but have read that this is not liked by editors/ literary agents. Is there any tips you have regarding avoiding this pitfall?
Thank you for sharing
Thanks for stopping by, Al.
When done well, flashbacks and prologues work. Too often, though, they confuse readers. Sometimes a prologue or flashback functions better when it’s clearly identified by a date or a time reference such as “three years previously.”
Putting a WIP away for several weeks between revisions makes problems in the narrative more visible to the writer.