Why Do You Write?

Perhaps you have a dream you want to turn into words, a memoir to share, or an intricate fantasy that begs to be unveiled. Maybe you want to write a biography or a creative-nonfiction essay.

At the receiving end will be readers who demand clarity. Confuse them, and you lose them. This post suggests alternatives for several instances of confusing wording.

Comma Corrections Rescue Many Sentences

Example 1

Ward spotted the woman who entered the station and waved.

Who is waving? The woman? Ward?

Ward spotted the woman who entered the station, and waved.

The comma implies that Ward is the waver. However, one extra word could clarify even further.

Ward spotted the woman who entered the station, and he waved.

No room for misinterpretation now.

Example 2

Before eating the dog scratched his ear.

For a microsecond, readers might think someone is eating the dog.

Before eating, the dog scratched his ear.

No dog-eating entities here.

Example 3

He stumbled into the cave wearing nothing but boots.

Without a comma, the cave is wearing boots. Really?

He stumbled into the cave, wearing nothing but boots.

A single punctuation mark rescues the sentence without increasing word count.

Example 4

The servants delivered meals on metal trays, covered with aluminum foil.

The comma makes the phrase it precedes refer back to the servants. But the trays are covered with aluminum foil — not the servants.

The servants delivered meals on metal trays covered with aluminum foil.

These servants don’t need to protect their brains from alien thought transmissions!

Example 5

Kalan clambered past a throng of enemy forces and tore into a band of troopers armed with nothing but a knife.

A band of troopers armed with nothing but a knife? Seems strange they would share a single weapon.

Kalan clambered past a throng of enemy forces and tore into a band of troopers, armed with nothing but a knife.

Now Kalan is carrying the knife. However, another edit would work even better.

Armed with nothing but a knife, Kalan clambered past a throng of enemy forces and tore into a band of troopers.

Since the most important detail is the phrase that describes Kalan’s only weapon, moving it to the beginning gives it the emphasis it deserves.

Word-Order Adjustment Often Clarifies Meaning

Example 1

Deena’s fingers tightened the second she entered the arena and saw her opponent.

Readers might expect tightened to be followed by a direct object. Deena’s fingers tightened a second what?

The second Deena entered the arena and saw her opponent, her fingers tightened.

With her fingers tightened at the end of the sentence, there is no expectation of a direct object.

Example 2

His eyes were red from lack of sleep and unfocussed.

Lack of sleep is the cause of the red and unfocussed eyes. Present wording is clunky.

His eyes were unfocussed and red from lack of sleep.

Now we see better alignment: effect followed by cause.

Example 3

She observed scraps of fabric and boots on the floor.

As worded, readers might expect scraps of fabric and scraps of boots on the floor.

She observed boots and scraps of fabric on the floor.

A word shuffle improves the sentence.

Example 4

Brent imagined soaring over the landscape below and bit his lip.

Readers might see Brent as he imagines soaring over the landscape and as he also imagines whatever comes after and.

Brent bit his lip and imagined soaring over the landscape below.

Voilà. Two distinct actions that won’t be misconstrued.

Example 5

They gawked at the hole in the ground the bomb had created.

Did the bomb create the ground? Of course not.

They gawked at the hole the bomb had created in the ground.

Much better, although in this case the addition of that might clarify even further:

They gawked at the hole that the bomb had created in the ground.

That May Eliminate Confusion

In many cases, word flow improves with deletion of that. However, you’ll find instances where it improves a sentence.

Example 1

Now Jordana knew what had happened, she could relax.

Until readers reach the comma, they might misunderstand the sentence, especially if they are reading the work of an author who has a penchant for comma splices.

The sentence might be mistaken as two separate statements:

Now Jordana knew what had happened. She could relax.

Probably not what the author intended.

Now that Jordana knew what had happened, she could relax.

The addition of that identifies the words before the comma as a subordinate clause.

Changes in Word Order Combined with Word Changes Also Improve Clarity

Example 1

Marla couldn’t withdraw, not with all the people gambling she’d fail behind her.

Were the people gambling that Marla would fail behind her? That doesn’t make sense.

Marla couldn’t withdraw, not in front of all the people gambling she’d fail.

In this sentence, Marla could be facing the people. Not quite the same meaning.

Marla couldn’t withdraw, not while leading all the people who were gambling she’d fail.

Now we see Maria leading, with the people behind her.

However, the original sentence could be rescued with the addition of a single word.

Marla couldn’t withdraw, not with all the people gambling she’d fail standing behind her.

Example 2

The team played their first-ever preseason game in Baltimore yesterday.

Is this a new team that played their first-ever preseason game in Baltimore, or is it the first time an established team ever played a preseason game in Baltimore?

Yesterday, for the first time ever, the team played a preseason game in Baltimore.

Edits clarify the situation. Note the impact of a, which indicates that this is one of multiple preseason games.

A Comma Should Separate Independent Clauses Joined by And

Example

Francine greeted Harold with a sneer and the other two guards didn’t even notice her enter.

Readers might expect Francine to greet Harold with a sneer and whatever follows and. Each clause can function as a complete sentence:

Francine greeted Harold with a sneer. The other two guards didn’t even notice her enter.

Would a comma solve the ambiguity?

Francine greeted Harold with a sneer, and the other two guards didn’t even notice her enter.

Better. However, Harold isn’t the person sneering. Let’s try this:

With a sneer, Francine greeted Harold, and the other two guards didn’t even notice her enter.

Words With More Than One Meaning Should Be Replaced If Context Is Unclear

Example 1

Darren had a full lower lip and a spare upper lip.

One of the definitions of spare is thin. However, readers might think Darren has an extra upper lip, especially if this sentence occurs in fantasy or science fiction.

Darren had a full lower lip and a thin upper lip.

Crystal-clear.

Example 2

While inflation is accelerating, the central bank doesn’t intend to raise the prime lending rate.

One of the definitions of while is at the same time as, which is not the intended meaning in this sentence.

Although inflation is accelerating, the central bank doesn’t intend to raise the prime lending rate.

Confusion eliminated.

Consider the various definitions of words such as tears, pretty, hard, fairly, and once. Would another word function better?

See also 16 Confusing Words and Phrases to Monitor in Writing for more information covering this point.

Concurrent Actions Should Be Possible

Many authors indicate concurrent actions with -ing words. However, when those words are applied incorrectly, they can depict physically impossible events.

Example

Wiggling her feet into sneakers and throwing on a sweater, Katia walked out of the room.

Is it possible for Katia to wiggle her feet into sneakers and throw on a sweater at the same time as she walks out of the room? No.

After wiggling her feet into sneakers and throwing on a sweater, Katia bustled out of the room.

Easy fix, including the replacement of walked with its stronger cousin bustled. However, the –ing words could be eliminated:

Katia wiggled her feet into sneakers and threw on a sweater. Then she bustled out of the room.

Search your WIP for ing. You might be amazed at how many matches you find. Check them all for clarity.

Scrutinize Every Sentence, Reading It as Though You’ve Never Seen It Before

Example 1

Breathing out, a foggy mist formed in front of Sasha’s face.

The foggy mist is breathing? Impossible.

As Sasha breathed out, a foggy mist formed in front of her face.

Now Sasha is breathing out.

Example 2

Many towns had upended and derelict boats in their harbors.

Did the towns upend the boats? Readers might assume that upended will be followed by a direct object. A change in word order would clarify.

Many towns had derelict and upended boats in their harbors.

Derelict is an adjective; therefore, readers will expect the word following and to be another adjective.

Example 3

The space corps was composed of young men without romantic entanglements and flight-trained.

Readers might expect the words following romantic entanglements to be another object of the prepositional phrase that begins with without.

The space corps was composed of young men flight-trained and without romantic entanglements.

More understandable, but I prefer something like:

The space corps was composed of young men who were flight-trained and had no romantic entanglements.

Put Your Work Away and Let It Rest

Narrative you deem clear when you first write a piece often seems obscure after you ignore it for a few weeks, especially when you read it out loud. If the wording disquiets you, even for a microsecond, change it.

Are You Ready to Test Your Confusion Detector?

To help identify some of the following problems, read the exercises out loud. Don’t pause unless you encounter a comma, semicolon, or period.

Exercise 1

The dog scampered toward the bone and growled. Licking its paws, it seized the bone in its teeth and wagged its tail. A dog from two doors down raced toward the yard dragging its leash.

Suggested solution

The bulldog scampered toward the bone. He growled. After licking his paws, he seized the bone in his teeth and wagged his tale. A collie from two doors down raced toward the yard, her leash dragging behind her.

Notes: The solution assigns each dog a gender and breed. Since a dog can’t lick its paws and seize a bone in its teeth at the same time, the concurrent action is removed. The yard isn’t dragging its leash — clarified with the edits.

Exercise 2

Alwyn’s suit was made without synthetic materials and tailored. Its trousers had pleated and close-fitting legs. Hearing a knock, he walked across the room and said, “You’re early.”

Suggested solution

Alwyn’s tailored suit, made without synthetic materials, had pleated trousers with close-fitting legs. A knock sounded. He strolled across the room, opened the door, and said, “You’re early.”

Notes: Several repetitions of and are reduced to one occurrence by placing tailored and pleated before the nouns they modify. Impossible concurrent action is gone. A strong verb, strolled, provides a better image than walked. Since Alwyn needs to open the door before greeting his visitor, that detail is added.

However, is there a reason to describe Alwyn’s suit? As written, the paragraph is clunky. If the description doesn’t add to the narrative, maybe it should be deleted:

A knock sounded. Alwyn strolled across the room, opened the door, and said, “You’re early.”

Exercise 3

Reaching for the canister on the top shelf, a cramp developed in Thelma’s shoulder. She groaned and massaged it, it still hurt. She threw the canister on the floor with a frown and the canister broke into several pieces.

Suggested solution

As Thelma reached for the canister on the top shelf, a cramp speared into her shoulder. With a groan, she massaged it. It still hurt. Frowning, she threw the canister onto the floor, where it burst into several pieces.

Notes: The cramp doesn’t reach for the canister — Thelma does. She can massage a cramp, but she can’t groan it. The second sentence is broken into two to avoid a comma splice. The floor can’t frown. Two independent clauses in the last sentence are separated by a comma. Strong verbs are introduced with speared and burst.