Today’s post is by Donna Milward’s cat, Spartacus. He emulates his talented author mamma and her fantastic sense of humor as he shares his feline philosophy with you.

This story also appears in Suppose: Drabbles, Flash Fiction, and Short Stories.

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Psst … She’s asleep.

My writer needs a nap. She’s been working hard at looking for a job, writing, and spring cleaning. We’ll let her sleep, and I, Spartacus will point out to all you felines the various ways you can tell when your human is a little too obsessed with you. This will help you learn the train-ability of your human and allow you to determine their place in the event of the global cat domination.

That flashy thing. If you have a human, chances are your human has one of those annoying flashy things. They point it at you constantly, no matter what you are doing and will spare you no decorum or dignity. This is an unfortunate thing that cat-obsessed humans do, and cannot be avoided. Be adorable whenever possible. It will lead to expensive toys and treats once you master “The Cuteness”. Which leads us to …

Insufferable Cutesy Nicknames. It is the absurd habit of people to give you one name, but call you by a variety of others. These include, but are not limited to: Sweetie-kitty, Handsome-boy, Little-Man, Sweet-boy, Baby, etc., fill-in-your-humiliating-moniker-here. The good news is you can pick and choose which one, if any, you will respond to. I myself only respond to Baby. You would too, with a name like Spartacus Thomas Jones Milward.

They will share their noms. Once you have mastered “The Cuteness”, stealing noms becomes easy. This also works on forbidden surfaces like counter tops. The worst that can happen is being “shooed”, and the rewards outweigh the possibility of needing to execute a hasty landing.

The Constant Cuddle. Obsessed humans always feel the need to pick you up and cuddle you. I suspect it is due to their lack of fur. They covet the soft warmness that we have and feel the need to rub it upon themselves. This too can be used to your advantage, and for training. How, you ask?

They will remain motionless for your benefit. The devoted human will endure extended minutes of discomfort to avoid disturbing you. It is the true indicator of gauging your human’s commitment. Feel free to perch on whichever body part you find comfortable. A worthy human will suppress tingling nerves, hunger, and even the need to urinate in order to maintain your happiness. Feel free to nap. Feel free to interrupt THEIR time on their poo-pond. If they are willing to sit on their wet white seat, in the dark, while you enjoy a siesta in their lap, you have an obsessed human, and therefore a dedicated minion when cats take over the world.

These are but five reliable indicators of fanatical behaviors in the species Homo Sapien. If you are lucky enough to find such a human, congratulations. If you are not, don’t worry. Humans are highly susceptible to cuteness and easily trained. Maybe sometime soon I will tell you the finer points of “The Cuteness”, and how to use it.

If you’d like to see more pictures of my cuteness — and my feline accomplice — please visit my original blog post.

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Donna Milward is a willing cat slave living in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada with her cats Spartacus Jones and Freya, along with her troll, Dan. She’s been writing since grade two, but only in recent years has she made a career out of it after a RWA convention in Washington convinced her to go for it. Her first two novels are titled Thoeba and Aphrodite’s War. She has also published a short story in Kathy Steinmann’s Suppose entitled “The Guardian’s Angel.”

Donna is currently working on the first novella in a series called Her True Name Volume One: Egypt, as well as her fourth novel, Elaina’s Fate, about an assassin in a different realm. She is also shopping around her third novel, Chasing Monsters, which is about a paranormal investigator who meets a demon with a soul. When not writing, Donna can be found in her garden with her beloved furchildren, or canning beans and tomatoes.

For more information about Donna Milward, please find her at:

Facebook: Donna Milward, Author
Amazon: Donna Milward Author Page
Twitter: @Donna Milward
Her blog: earthtothoeba.blogspot.com.

She can also be found on Goodreads and Yelp Edmonton YEG.

Thoeba
Darkness has conquered the heavens, forcing Thoeba to flee with the weakened Energy trapped in a crystal. She finds herself on Earth among humans, a race she is not fond of. Evil has followed her, and she has no choice but to ally herself with Peter and his teen-aged children. She will learn about herself, about love and human endurance, but will she save the universe?

Aphrodite’s War
Bored gods are dangerous. Aphrodite and Ares are engaged in a contest. Aphrodite must make two humans fall in love and Ares must stop her. Loser leaves Olympus for 100 years. Simple enough. Too bad humans have minds of their own. Not to mention Ares has his own agenda. And Ares always cheats.

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You’ll find more short fiction like this in Suppose: Drabbles, Flash Fiction, and Short Stories.