Emotion in Writing Captivates Readers

But not so much if Mary Sue is sad on every page.

So how can a writer maintain mood without losing readers? By showing emotion or replacing sad with other adjectives. This post provides the tools.

Beware the Redundancy Trap

What a sad and tragic life Mary Sue led.

Most thesauruses list sad as a synonym for tragic. Why burden readers with two words that mean the same thing?

What a tragic life Mary Sue led.

Sad should also be removed from the following phrases and others like them — except in dialogue, which should seem natural:

hard and sad times

sad and disappointed

sad and grave

sad and lonely

sad and sorry

sad and upset

sad and troubled

sad demise

sad disappointment

sad disaster

sad funeral

sad obituary

sad, gloomy countenance

Did you notice that many of the previous phrases include and? Keep that in mind as you edit your work.

Show Your Characters’ Sadness

They might exhibit various behaviors, including:

lack of energy

empty stares

quiet actions

biting the lip

clouded thoughts

hanging the head

downcast gaze

monotone voice

voice that breaks

slouched posture

trembling chin

hunched shoulders

furrowed forehead

plodding movements

tears or open weeping

covering face with hands

sitting with head in hands

damp, red, or swollen eyes

clenched jaw and/or stomach

shuffling gait, with hands in pockets

If you need additional beats, consult a body language dictionary. (As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.)

Let’s Review a Few Examples

Example 1

Dad had a long, fulfilling life, and he wouldn’t want us to be sad for him now that he’s gone.

There’s nothing wrong with this sentence, especially if it’s dialogue, but we could eliminate sad:

Dad had a long, fulfilling life, and he wouldn’t want us to mourn for him now that he’s gone.

Whenever an adjective appears with to be (am, are, is, was, were, will be, etc.), the narrative suffers. In this case, I swapped to be sad with the more active to mourn.

Example 2

Justine shut the front door. Her parents knew from her sad look that she had lost the election.

Knew filters the action through the senses of Justine’s parents. Let’s try a different approach:

Justine clicked the front door shut and murmured in monotone to her parents, “I lost the election.”

Note the indications of sadness. Justine clicks the front door shut — a quiet action. Her monotone voice adds to the scene, as does her dialogue.

Example 3

With a sad expression, Jordan picked up the smashed cell phone.

Nothing in the preceding sentence shows the degree of Jordan’s emotion.

A smashed cell phone might evoke a mild response if it has been backed up recently or doesn’t contain any important data. However, let’s assume the phone holds irreplaceable photos of a loved one who has passed away; that would cause a strong reaction:

Chin trembling, Jordan picked up the smashed cell phone. He wept.

Is there any doubt now about the depth of Jordan’s sadness?

Example 4

Maria’s sad eyes made Charlie feel compassionate.

Feel is a filter word. We can edit this sentence to create a short but effective alternative:

Maria’s anguished eyes filled Charlie with compassion.

Same number of words, stronger adjective, more active sentence.

Example 5

Amy was sad, so Mommy dried her tears.

Why is Amy sad? If we show the situation that caused the tears, we don’t need sad:

The space under the Christmas tree was empty. Santa’s milk and cookies still lay on the mantel, uneaten. Amy cried, and Mommy dried her tears.

A few extra words convey pathos that could be the basis for several paragraphs or an entire chapter.

Example 6

Roger was sad because the bank wouldn’t lend him any money.

This sentence is pure tell.

Roger hung up the phone and slouched into his chair. “What should I do now? The bank won’t approve my loan.”

In the edited version, the power of dialogue combined with Roger’s slouch show his sadness.

Replace Hackneyed Phrases

Here are a few:

sad as it might be: tragically

sad fate: tragic demise

sad sack: failure, dud

sad state of affairs: upsetting situation

sad to say: regrettably, unfortunately

If You’re Stuck, Investigate These Instant Sad Alternatives

Some are colloquial — appropriate for dialogue or conversational narrative. Heed subtleties of meaning.

A to C
agonized, anguished, bereft, beside oneself with grief, bitter, bleak, blue, broken, brokenhearted, brooding, bummed out, cast down, cheerless, close to tears, crestfallen, crying one’s eyes out, crushed

D
defeated, deflated, dejected, demoralized, depressed, desolate, despairing, despondent, devastated, disappointed, disconsolate, discouraged, disenchanted, disheartened, disillusioned, dismal, dismayed, dispirited, distraught, distressed, doleful, dolorous, down, down in the dumps, down in the mouth, downcast, downhearted

F to H
feeling blue, forlorn, fretful, full of sorrow, funereal, gloomy, glum, gone to pieces, grave, grief-stricken, grieved, gutted, heartbroken, heartsick, heavyhearted, hurting, have a lump in the throat, have a bleeding heart, have a sinking heart, have an aching heart, have the blahs, have the blues

I to O
in a funk, in doldrums, in grief, in low spirits, in pain, in the dumps, in the pits, in the toilet, inconsolable, kicking oneself, let down, losing heart, losing hope, low, low-spirited, lugubrious, melancholy, miserable, mopey, morbid, morose, mournful, on a downer, overcome with sorrow

P to W
pensive, reduced to tears, sepulchral, sick at heart, singing the blues, somber, sorrowful, spiritless, subdued, taken down, tearful, tormented, torn-up, tortured, troubled, unglued, unhappy, unsettled, upset, wistful, withdrawn, wretched, woebegone, woeful, worried, wretched

Ready to Flex Your Writing Muscles?

Remove all instances of sad from the following.

Exercise 1

Jessie’s heart thumped like a drum in her chest. She felt sad, devastated. Three years. Three years she had devoted to Steve. And for what? How could he have done this to her?

Suggested solution

Jessie’s chin trembled. Three years. Thirty-six months. One hundred fifty-six weeks. She had laughed at Steve’s inane jokes, picked up his stinky socks, and listened to him snore all night. And for what? How could he have left her for another woman?

Notes: Rather than tell how Jessie feels, we show her trembling chin, and we provide a specific reason for her emotion. We also show some of her three-year devotion. Breaking the years into months and then into weeks emphasizes the passage of time.

Exercise 2

Travis was sad. Cardboard boxes full of memories lay on the bedroom carpet. Family photos. Benny’s christening gown. Benny’s baseball mitt. Travis’s sad eyes rested on the saddest memory of all: Benny’s baby book. Benny. Gone forever.

Suggested solution

Travis slouched into the bedroom. Cardboard boxes brimming with memories blanketed the carpet: family photos, Benny’s christening gown, Benny’s baseball mitt. He rubbed his swollen eyes and stared, heartsick, at his son’s baby book. He sobbed. Benny. Gone forever.

Notes: Travis’s slouching shows his sadness. Brimming is a more appropriate choice than full of. Slight punctuation changes strengthen readability. Travis’s sad eyes are shown by their swollen condition, and his sob reinforces his sadness.

Exercise 3

George could tell that Janet was sad, but he didn’t know how to comfort her. Women scared him, especially independent women who refused to let him buy them dinner. Sadness engulfed him. How could he ever let her know his true feelings?

Suggested solution

George squirmed in his seat. Janet’s damp eyes filled him with unease. Women scared him, especially independent women who refused to let him pay for their dinner. “Is ev-everything o-okay?” He bit his lip. Can’t even talk straight. How can I ever let her know my true feelings?

Notes: George’s squirming emphasizes his unease, and his internal monologue shows the sadness that engulfs him. Janet’s damp eyes show her emotion.

Exercise 4

It was sad when the old lady coughed. I think her name was Margaret. Or maybe Minnie? Minnie. Yeah. Every time I heard her hork her lungs out, I felt sad. She worked hard — harder than any of the guys — in this dungeon of a Thipakrisian mine. I often wondered as I tossed and turned in my bed at night if we’d ever get back to Earth. The sad fact is that if we didn’t, I’d end up just like her in a few years. That saddened me most of all.

Suggested solution

Whenever the old lady coughed, my gut clenched. I think her name was Margaret. Or maybe Minnie? Minnie. Yeah. Every time she horked her lungs out, I wanted to cry. She worked hard — harder than any of the guys — in this dungeon of a Thipakrisian mine. I often wondered as I lay awake at night, staring at nothing, if we’d ever get back to Earth. Then, the scratching in my throat would remind me that if we didn’t escape, I’d end up just like her in a few years. Frandelstax!

Notes: The narrator’s clenched gut shows his sadness. Ditto for his desire to cry, emphasized further by his lying awake at night, staring at nothing. Frandelstax — nothing like an invented sci-fi expletive to augment the ambience.

And You?

What makes you sad? Rejection slips? A broken coffeemaker? Looming deadlines?

Leverage that sadness in your writing.

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