Herman’s Dilemma: Free-to-Read Flash Fiction: Humor

Herman’s Dilemma: Free-to-Read Flash Fiction: Humor

This is one of my stories from Suppose: Drabbles, Flash Fiction, and Short Stories.

Why do you suppose Herman is so afraid the EMTs might tell someone how he got hurt? It seems he has a rather surprising reason for his reticence.

Herman’s eyelids fluttered open as he was loaded onto the stretcher. “What … where?”

“You’ve had an accident, sir. Bit of a bump on the head. Do you remember your name?”

“Herman. Herman Washburn. Where are you taking me?”

“To the hospital, Herman. One of your neighbors called 911 when he heard you yell.” The EMT assessed the bruise on Herman’s brow. “Can you tell me what day this is?”

“The day after yesterday and the day before tomorrow. The last time I checked the calendar, that was Wednesday. Hump day.”

The EMT chuckled. “You seem to have full use of your mental faculties. Can you tell me what happened?”

“Yes. But please don’t tell anyone. … I poured myself a glass of wine.”

“So you overindulged, got tipsy, and lost your balance?”

“No, I didn’t drink a drop. I was texting my girlfriend and not paying attention when I grabbed a bottle off the counter.”

“You dropped the bottle and bumped your head trying to retrieve it?”

“No, I picked up the mouthwash by mistake.”

“You keep mouthwash in the kitchen?”

“Not usually. I was using it to soak my socks. Works great, by the way. Gets rid of foot odor and germs.”

“You wash your socks in the kitchen sink?” The EMT choked as though he were trying to suppress a laugh. “So … you swallowed mouthwash. What does that have to do with your accident?”

“I was emptying the glass in the sink when I received a reply to my text.”

The EMT’s face scrunched into a scowl. “And …”

“My girlfriend told me we’re pregnant. But I had a vasectomy last year.”

“And that’s when you yelled? How did you bump your head?”

“No. Let me finish. I didn’t yell when I got her text. And I didn’t yell when one of my coworkers sent me a naked photo of his date for last night, who just happens to be my girlfriend. Needless to say, I was furious. Sick-to-the-stomach furious.”

The EMT raised his eyebrows. “Tough luck. But I still don’t understand how you got the goose egg.”

“I received a text telling me my last book just hit the New York Times Bestseller List. I was so excited and distracted I didn’t watch where I was going, and I tripped over a loose carpet. Please don’t tell anyone.”

The EMT’s eyes crinkled. “Why?”

“My book is The Ultimate Guide to Safe Texting.”

You’ll find more short fiction like this in Suppose: Drabbles, Flash Fiction, and Short Stories.


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